Ask Daddy is an advice column for LGBTQ readers with questions relating to sexuality, morality, coming out or navigating relationships. And always remember, the best advice this Gay Daddy has for you is that if you have an urgent issue or are in need of regular counseling, seek out a therapist who can offer you individual care in person.
This week, Kevin responds to a writer who wants to know if his behavior at a bar actually humiliated his partner.
Dear Daddy;
I have a boyfriend of several years now who claims that I “humiliated” him at a bar recently by showing up in puppy gear with my master. I do have some responsibility in this, because I had told him we would be keeping to the bar where the puppy event was taking place. But… it got boring, so we migrated to a bigger dance club.
Within minutes of our showing up, my boyfriend walked in with some friends. I did feel a little exposed when he saw me. Not because I was doing anything wrong — we both agree that puppy play is not his thing. He’s said he’s cool with me expressing that part of my personality with my master. He hadn’t seen me in pup mode before, but I wasn’t wearing anything pups don’t, and there were several of us there as well.
Ruh-Roh
Of course he came up to us and said hello. I was so nervous, I went to fetch (something pups are good at) a round of drinks for us all. But I sure took my time. I could see them clearly from the bar, and they were having what appeared to be a relaxed and friendly conversation.
When I rejoined them, my boyfriend acted like there was nothing wrong, took the drink I’d bought him, kissed me on the cheek and went to rejoin his friends. It seemed like my worries that it would be awkward were misplaced.
But the next day, he blew up at me and told me I’d broken my promise not to show up at the dance club, and that I’d “humiliated” him. I asked him if I’d done anything to upset any of his friends, who all know about my interest in puppy play, and he told me “that’s not the point.”
Bad Dog!
Well, then I have to ask: Isn’t humiliation when someone calls you out in public with an intention to embarrass you? How can one person be humiliated if no one is pointing a finger at him? I get that you can feel humiliated, but isn’t that about your own insecurities?
I did apologize for showing up at the club. I should have texted first or not gone. But my boyfriend is someone who I’ve caught several times saying he was going to the gym, only to find him walking from the nearby bathhouse. We have an open relationship, but one day I found out — just before I was about to drive him to work — that he had the day off and was going to spend it on a day-long hookup.
When I asked him why he had to lie when we are open, he walked out of the restaurant where we had met at the end of his “date,” and he started to scream at me. “Because I’m a sex addict, that’s why!! You have your kinks and I have mine. But I don’t rub mine under your nose, do I?”
The whole thing has me pretty shaken up. What are your thoughts?
Puppy Pete
Hi Pup,
Well, that’s a tangled tale (pun intended).
As far as I can see, you’ve been honest and transparent. Meanwhile, he’s been sneaking around behind your back. You’re absolutely right to apologize for suddenly appearing where you said you wouldn’t. That was wrong. But beyond that? Your boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work.
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Promises, Promises
Your letter doesn’t say whether you two have a policy of “don’t ask/don’t tell.” If you have that in place, then … I guess he gets to do whatever he wants, and if you catch him in the act (or just before or after), you have no real recourse.
But it doesn’t sound like you and he are on the same page at all. You’re transparent (and he doesn’t like it), and he’s a secretive sex addict (although apparently self-diagnosed), and you don’t like it.
Paws Button
It sounds like both of you could use some serious time sorting out your rules. Since you’ve been together for years, you might want to consider a relationship counselor as well.
And as for what seems like the least of your worries, you’re right: You can only be humiliated by others pointing a finger at you and trying to make you feel ashamed. You can certainly feel humiliated without any help from anyone.
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Last modified: November 22, 2019
