Ask Daddy is an advice column for LGBTQ readers with questions relating to sexuality, morality, coming out or navigating relationships. And always remember, the best advice this Gay Daddy has for you is that if you have an urgent issue or are in need of regular counseling, seek out a therapist who can offer you individual care in person.
This week, Kevin responds to a writer who says he’s a kept (adult) boy. No one knows, and he’d like more sex than he’s getting from his sugar daddy…
I’m Brian. I’m 26 and live in New York City. I’m your typical twinky millennial — Instagram, avocado toast and Netflix binge-watching. However, I have a secret. My friends think I work in fashion publicity, but the truth is that I’m being taken care of by Daddy.
He refuses to let me work, which I’m totally fine with. All I have to promise him is access to my body every morning at 9 am and every evening at 8 pm. I quite like the arrangement, actually. However, being limited to sex just twice a day is a real bummer. Sometimes I like afternoon play — or getting a little 2 am action from some stranger at a bar. I guess I have two questions: One — should I ask Daddy for more wiggle room to have fun with others? And, second, at what point should I tell people close to me that I’m a full-time ho and not trapped in an office?
Help me, Daddy,
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I suppose I could begin by commending your honesty, at least with me. For the benefit of our readers, I will say that Brian and I had a little back-and-forth before this got into print because I wasn’t quite sure if it was a joke at first. He assures me that the situation is real, even if it isn’t something he’s particularly open about.
I have a couple of reactions, and they’re not all in perfect alignment, Brian. One is that you say you’re fine with the arrangement, but you’re conducting it in secret. Maybe that’s solely because you don’t look forward to the judgment of your peers, and just maybe, you feel it’s not too far from prostitution. Of course, I’m not the one who has to be okay with you being a ho: You are.
Walk on the Wild Side
On the one hand, you’re an adult and what you’re doing is victimless. He likes it. You like it. Fine. Gay men have no playbook other than what they agree to do. Our assimilation into mainstream society has left some bemoaning that gay life now looks more like a Benetton ad for inclusivity than in the Tom of Finland ’70s where homosexuality was taboo and considered exciting, mysterious and a dance with danger.
On the other hand, I have to say that I’m not a fan of transactional relationships. Using people — for sex, money, prestige or power — will never be my jam. Many of us hate Donald Trump for just that reason. He sees people as the means to an end and nothing more.
Back in those edgy ’70s that some now romanticize, men absolutely did use each other to get off, and I know because I was one of them. Why? Because it was often not safe to know another guy’s name, where he lived, or anything else about his life. Those trysts were transactional because it was a way of staying alive, employed and without homophobes driving you out of town, beating you up or leaving you for dead in an alley.
The View from Here
Now, especially in major cities where you and I live, it’s commonplace to see men hand in hand. Same-sex weddings are held in public and LGBTQ people can (despite the current administration’s efforts) still serve in the military. Transactional relationships will never completely disappear, but they are no longer essential to survival.
Using people — you using him for your comfortable life, and him using you for what I must assume is sex worth his expense — coarsens us as human beings. I don’t care if it’s a high-paid hooker being purchased by the president, your situation, or someone turning tricks for crack money. That you have an understanding means you’re not hurting him. I’m not sure you’re not hurting yourself.
That you want sex outside that arrangement doesn’t surprise me. It does suggest that what you’re doing is unfulfilling at some level. As someone whose libido still works in overdrive, I can tell you that getting on the right side of honesty and transparency helps to clear a foggy mind. If he thinks it’s fine that you get more than he wants to provide, who am I to argue? You never mentioned that either of you love each other or you’re in a relationship you’d enjoy more if it was open.
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Last modified: October 7, 2019