Ask Daddy: Does This Attraction Make Me a Bottom?

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Guy Ashamed

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Ask Your Daddy is an advice column for LGBTQ readers with questions relating to sexuality, morality, coming out or navigating relationships. And always remember, the best advice this Gay Daddy has for you is that if you have an urgent issue or are in need of regular counseling, seek out a therapist who can offer you individual care in person.

This week, Kevin responds to a writer who asks why some guys assume that if you like all of the male anatomy, you’re somehow less a top — and maybe just a bit femme.

Dear Daddy;
Actually, I wouldn’t be writing this if it happened only once or twice. But I have lost count of how many times it’s actually happened — and of course it’s all online, where everyone feels free to say whatever.

Hey Gurl, Hey

But I’ll find someone, or sometimes they’ll find me, and we’ll start to chat and pretty soon the conversation turns to sex. And when they ask me what I like, I’m always completely honest. I’m a top, and I don’t bottom, but I do like oral sex in both directions. That’s when some of them text me words like “Ewww,” and say that tops aren’t supposed to like the D, and that they prefer to have sex in a jock or assless underwear so that their junk is never even part of the fun.

They also leave the impression that I’m somehow less macho because I like all of the parts. Is this new? Do you have any experience with this? Most of my friends tell me that it goes along with finding people on the apps — that you’ll meet all kinds.

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But I have to ask: Does liking what guys have make me femme? Is this their problem, or mine?
Hunter in Omaha

Hmmmm….

Hi Hunter,
No, this is not your problem. And, depending on your perspective, it may not be theirs, either.

But if you’re like me (and I don’t presume you are), then yeah, it is offensive. There’s already too much homophobia in the world. And for gay guys to call you out — even by inference — and suggest that someone who likes the D is less a man? That stinks, and you don’t have to put up with it.

Many of the boys I know prefer to keep their junk out of the game. Some wear cages so you can’t actually touch them, and they say that not being able to climax makes them more horny, so you should be happy about that.

Well, I’m not happy about it, and while everyone has a right to present themselves for action in a way they see fit, I simply pass these guys by. I’ve been partnered three times for years at a time, but during the periods I’ve been single, I’ve never encountered this phenomenon before. But now, it’s become fairly commonplace.

So let me wrap this up in a nice bow: it’s fine for them to do as they please. It’s fine for you and me not to like it. But it’s always a bad idea to inject homophobia into your dealings with another gay person, no matter what your sexual preference happens to be. Liking all the male parts does not make either one of us a sub, a slave, or a bottom. It makes us homosexual. Any assumptions made beyond that are projections and nothing more.

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Last modified: September 23, 2019