Ask Daddy is an advice column for LGBTQ readers with questions relating to sexuality, morality, coming out or navigating relationships. And always remember, the best advice this Gay Daddy has for you is that if you have an urgent issue or are in need of regular counseling, seek out a therapist who can offer you individual care in person.
This week, Kevin responds to a writer who confides that, while he has a great gay sex life, he can’t seem to get across the finish line physically with them.
A reader asked Daddy:
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Okay so my question is rather odd and I have never met anyone or heard of anyone in the same boat as me — besides women. Is it normal for me to not orgasm during sex?
I love having sex with guys, I’m a bottom and I am good at what I do. The pleasure I get from it is amazing but I haven’t had a sexual partner make me ejaculate yet. I don’t know what it is. I definitely know I am at least 98% gay and I have had success with sex toys like Fleshlights and masturbators. But when it comes to bottoming, it’s like my front side switches off.
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There have been times where I feel like I have gotten there, but I haven’t. However I am always satisfied with the outcome when my top finishes. I have had guys ghost me because I couldn’t orgasm when we were intimate but I could by manual means.
Do your think this should be a problem? Because I didn’t see it as one until guys stopped seeing me because of it.
If there’s anything that you can suggest I try that would be greatly appreciated.
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Your problem may be more common than you realize. First: You are not alone, and there are guys in your (literal) position. But there are also tops who want to be safer, but can’t get over the finish line while wearing a condom, which tends to inhibit stimulation.
I also know a lot of bottoms who put all their erotic energy into a top’s pleasure — and get all the sexual gratification they seek because they know they’re hot enough to make a top reach orgasm. Some bottoms even prefer to wear cages in bed so that not only can they not reach orgasm. They can’t even get erections, and that’s just the way they want it.
I think it’s important to remember that the biggest sex organ humans have is the one between their ears, not the one between their legs. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your body. Since you seem to have no difficulty getting off when there’s no pressure on you to perform, I’m going to suggest that your real issue here is not sexual dysfunction, but trouble with being intimate. If you wanted to see a doctor, I’d recommend a therapist first.
Now you don’t mention whether these fellas are hook-ups, dates or boyfriends. But I’m guessing that if you felt as comfortable with your sex partners as you do when you’re alone, your problem would vanish. I don’t know why these men are ghosting you, and neither do you. But it’s at least possible that one of them might be less unhappy with your performance in bed than your ability to be comfortable with him.
Here’s what I recommend: Let the guys who ghost you go. Lean into the company of those who don’t care if you achieve blast-off. You might also consider seeing more patient men — especially those who regard sex as a way to connect rather than a way to get off. You may have to sacrifice quantity for quality, but … that’s one of the things that makes porn a pleasant distraction.
Good luck, and keep me posted.
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Last modified: November 22, 2019