Ask Daddy is an advice column for LGBTQ readers with questions relating to sexuality, morality, coming out or navigating relationships. And always remember, the best advice this Gay Daddy has for you is that if you have an urgent issue or are in need of regular counseling, seek out a therapist who can offer you individual care in person.
This week, Kevin responds to a writer whose romance is on the rocks, and everyone knows it better than him.
I don’t know where to start. My boyfriend’s last lover broke up with him before he moved away for a new job. That was months before Parker (not his real name) met me on the rebound.
I walked in on them having phone sex recently. I don’t know what upset me most; that they were doing it without me knowing, or the kind of stuff Alan (the ex) was saying to Parker, which was super-degrading and not the kind of stuff I’d say. Or want to do. Or thought my bf was into. And I thought our sex life was great.
When I confronted him later, he said he acted out of pity because Alan’s new guy just left him and Parker was caught off guard. He said the stuff between them was over, but still their business, and not mine. But he said I could trust him and that it won’t happen again.
Then the other night, I slept over and Parker went to bed early saying he had a big day coming up. After watching some TV, I climbed in. About 3:30 in the morning, I rolled over. No Parker. And a light coming from under the bathroom door. Sure enough, he’s spanking it with Alan again.
I got dressed, and just before I walked out the door, I knocked on the bathroom door Real Loud. “I’m leaving,” is all I said.
How’s That Again?
The next day, Parker showed up at my place, and I let him in to apologize — again. Instead, he began to rip me apart. For every reason you could imagine. “You didn’t show up when I was sick,” was one. “I asked you if I could come over three times,” I said back. And he’s like, “Someone who really loves you comes anyway, no matter how many times you tell them not to.” What??
He says he loves me, but doesn’t know “how much more” he can take, and his friends and family have warned him that I’m a gold-digger because he makes a ton more than I do. Honestly, I don’t care about his income. I make my own money. I thought I liked this guy, and now I’m not so sure. He tore me to shreds (It’s disgusting that I’m so friendly with waitresses, dry cleaners, bank tellers, etc. Apparently his mother wants to know if I’m “really that nice.”)
Mo Money, Mo Problems
The people in his social circle tell him he can do better than me. And it’s not like he’s from a different class of people. He’s just the first one in his family making serious bank.
My friends are worried.
Parker says he’s sick of defending me and believes his friends have a point. And he wants to know what I’m going to do to win them over. This was not the conversation I expected. I honestly have no idea what to do or where to turn. My friends say they saw it coming, that he treats me like a trophy because he thinks I’m cute, or bright, sweet, or something. I believed he thought I was special. I liked that he considered me attractive — until he saw me turning more heads in a bar than he did. Then he stopped liking it.
I should stop writing. I’m already past oversharing. Do you see anything coming for us but the end?
That’s one big tangled bowl of issues. I get that you care about this guy, whatever his real name is, and that you’d like things to go back to when he was courting you and charming you and you were a prize he sought to win.
But something you did — and I have no idea what — let him know he did win you. And apparently that was Game Over for him. Some are in it only for the conquest, buddyboy.
And people who don’t keep their agreements (like remaining non-sexual with exes), then see how an apology mends things just as effectively as changing their behavior would often stop apologizing altogether.
And people who feel that the best defense is a good offense can attack a nice guy and drop hints that he’s either a wuss or covering up more real and aggressive intentions (like being a gold-digger) by simply trying to appear “nice.”
Writing On the Wall
Either way, you’re woke and smelling the coffee. There’s been an attempted assassination on your character by so many people, you don’t even have a complete list of the suspects. “Parker” doesn’t respect you and doesn’t trust you. You don’t trust him. It’s already more bad news than you want or need. This is not a movie anyone needs to sit through to know how it will end. And it’s not happily ever after.
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Last modified: December 13, 2019