How Do You Help the Man Who's Just Realized Closets Are for Clothes?

Written by Metrosource Editor| May 7, 2016| Lifestyle

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Carol Sugar-Burke, one of our friends at Bespoke Matchmaking, answers our questions on finding Mr. Right. Today, what’s the best way to ease the anxieties that come along with coming out?

Dear Carol,
I have just met a great guy but; he has just come out and is dealing with a lot of fears and insecurities of his own. I completely understand this is a difficult process and as I have been out for over 22 years I am not quite sure how to help him with this. I am trying to be as patient and encouraging as possible. Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Clueless

Dear Clueless,
You are already doing better than you think and certainly don’t seem clueless to me. Being supportive and encouraging and patient are the 3 most important things you can do for him. This is new to him and he is just beginning to get his feet wet and you can help him by taking it slow one step at a time. Introduce him to some of your gay friends and help him get out there and build new friendships. Give him time to get use to going out in public as a couple. Treat every day as a new adventure and explore some unique new places with him. Remember no two coming out experiences are the same and never discourage your partner. It can be difficult emotionally for him but, at the beginning what seems difficult as he gains his confidence will become easier and he will feel a sense of relief by being true to himself. You need to be strong for your partner and supportive but; remember this is a difficult time for you as well.
Don’t forget that patience is a virtue and in time your patience will be rewarded!
Best,
Carol

Carol Sugar-Burke is an Executive Matchmaker for the premier gay and lesbian executive matchmaking firm Bespoke Matchmaking. For more information on Bespoke Matchmaking and to learn about our matchmaking service please click the link below to visit our website, www.bespokematchmaking.com.

Last modified: April 17, 2018

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Listeners of Sirius know John Arthur Hill for his weekly, witty repartee and queer comedic look at life and pop culture as co-host on Andy Cohen Live and on his own show, The John Hill Show. Social media lovers know John for his sexy thirst traps, viral song parodies, and funny one-on-ones. Musical theatre aficionados have seen John in Broadway’s Hairspray and The Boy from Oz and from Off-Broadway’s Bare. Reality TV fans have seen his work on Top Chef, Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List, Project Runway, Watch What Happens Live, and more. Combine all of that with John’s live touring shows and stand-up, you wonder how this man has time to sleep…and workout. He is an entertainment industry renaissance man and his journey to today has been a winding one.

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Live Out Loud: From Article to Activism

23 years ago, Metrosource published “A Gun in the Closet,” an article recounting the lives of 3 LGBTQ youth and the issues they were facing. Moved by the piece, Leo Preziosi decided to do something to continue the efforts to protect LGBTQ+ youth in response to the extremely high suicide rates. He formed Live Out Loud, a nonprofit dedicated to serving LGBTQ+ youth ages 13 to 18 by partnering with families, schools, and communities to provide resources, role models, and opportunities for our at-risk community youth. After two decades of success, the organization presented its 23rd Annual Trailblazers Gala last month, bringing together donors, corporate supporters, election officials, and youth scholarship winners to celebrate the organization’s life-affirming educational programming. At the event, 3 LGBTQ+ seniors were awarded the Live Out Loud Young Trailblazers Scholarship Award towards the college of their choice. The event also honored LGBTQ+ mentors, role models, and community builders. Truly inspiring work from just one article. We caught up with Live Out Loud Founder and Executive Director Leo Preziosi after this monumental event. You were inspired by an article in Metrosource, “Gun in the Closet,” to create the organization. What compelled you so much to get involved and start a whole non-profit? The title, “Gun in the Closet” stopped me dead in my tracks. I read those four words and knew what the article was going to be about. I couldn’t face reading it, so I placed it under my bed. Sometime later I opened it and read the article. I read about Robbie and Bill, who came from loving and supporting families who were struggling with their individual circumstances and very sadly, as we hear too often, took their own lives. What hit me the hardest was that the article spoke about the dreams and aspirations they had for their lives. I felt a sense of dread that their dreams would never be realized, dreams that could have impacted the world and changed hundreds, maybe millions of lives. Was Robbie on the path to becoming the next Neil Patrick Harris??? Was Bill on his way to becoming the next Bayard Rustin? We will never know. After reading that part, that’s when I knew had had to step forward and do something. For me it was a simple task, let’s bring the generations together so queer youth could learn from the elders of the community, elders being anyone from college and beyond. Through the years I saw just how much the elders were learning from the younger generation. Our entire community was benefiting from the programs and conversations that we were initiating. What were some of the biggest challenges in the early years in getting the word out for Live Out Loud? I never ran a nonprofit before. I studied photography and fashion design and found myself years later working in marketing and special events for a retail store named Felissimo, which was a tremendous help to me in planning fundraisers for the last 23 years. I was learning from the ground up. I had no idea how a nonprofit ran or how it was structured. It was overwhelming and complicated. It was a very scary time. I took workshops, did research, and went around meeting with the Executive Directors of HMI and GLSEN. I wasn’t planning on creating a nonprofit, it just evolved organically. How did starting this organization change your life in those early years? It was a very special time. When I shared the idea for the work I was doing with friends and colleagues, they were all very eager to step in and help. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. It also made me much more aware of the challenges that queer youth were facing in the early 2000s. When I left high school, I never looked back. I had no interest in school reunions and had no knowledge of the alarming statistics facing our students. Through research and conversations with community members serving LGBTQ+ youth, it made me much more aware. Now, 23 years later, what are the current biggest challenges? Where do I begin? We’re a small grassroots operation that operates locally for the time being, in all five boroughs of Manhattan. We’re competing with national organizations with a large development, operations, and communications staff. When corporations look to sponsor a nonprofit, they get more exposure from a national organization than from a local organization. So, they prefer to go national and not just local. I hear that a lot. What was your personal coming out story and personal experience as an LGBTQ youth? My high school years were a time filled with fear. It was a daily feeling that overcame me at the start of each day, from getting on the school bus, sitting in homeroom, walking the hallways, and taking gym or shop class. I never knew when the verbal assaults would take place. It was like dodging bullets. I was on guard all the time. It was something I lived with every day. After much therapy, I concluded that I had to start the process of coming out, especially to my parents. I remember taking a 3-day workshop titled “Coming Out” or something like that. The facilitators shared that after the 3 days, you would have the opportunity to write letters to your family and share your coming out story. I knew I would never do that, but I also knew that this workshop was the next step in me accepting that I was gay. It turned out to be an amazing 3 days, so much so that I wrote a 17-page letter to my father and a 16-page letter to my mother sharing who I was, their gay son, as well as many other things I was going through. I mailed the letters on a Monday. I was living in NYC at the time and my parents were on Long Island. I knew by Thursday that they would have received the letters. That day my phone rang, […]

Rainbow Hill – A Journey in Recovery

As Pride season continues with festivals, parades, and increased nightlife, there is a community within our LGBTQ+ family that continues to thrive and grow, gaining a stronger voice in the last decade – that of our sober community. Pride celebrations now include safe spaces and events that cater to those on their journey from addiction, the stigma towards our sober family and the assumption that they can’t party with us is being diminished. Yet, there is still a long way to go. Because of our battle with discrimination, isolation, gender identity, and abandonment, the LGBTQ community struggles with substance abuse at a rate of two to three times that of the general population. Alarmingly, up until now, there have been zero facilities dedicated to our particular needs. Enter Rainbow Hill, founded by Southern California-based couple Andrew Fox and Joey Bachrach. The two, inspired by their own journey in recovery, left lucrative careers in real estate to open the doors of Rainbow Hill Sober Living in 2021, and, this summer, Rainbow Hill Recovery, an intensive outpatient treatment center in the Los Angeles area. With addiction rates so high, why do they think it has taken so long to establish facilities specific to our community? Joey: From what we’ve gathered is that there’s a lot of fear with having a specific community for programming and for housing because of the clients and being afraid of not being able to fill them. Or they think about finances more than they do about the people. I can’t speak for other programs, but for us, we’re in a position where we’re able to do that and take that risk and make a difference. So that’s something that Andrew and I haven’t wavered on, which is really neat. Andrew: I got sober almost 14 years ago and I did not want to go to sober living, I wanted to be around my peers and just feel very comfortable. I did it on my own. Maybe that was the fear that got me sober. But we both wanted to design a place that we both would want to stay at. It shouldn’t be a doom and gloom – a dark gray house with closed-off curtains. We want it to be bright and happy, and a place for people to feel free to be who they are so that they can work on their sobriety. There has been a bigger presence and visibility of the sober community at our Pride celebrations. Do they think the stigma of being sober and LGBTQ is diminishing? Joey: 100 %.! There are so many cool hashtags: #soberissexy #soberAF #soberisthenewcool. It’s who we are as individuals, but it’s also a movement. It’s something that people now wear on their sleeves. I know that I’m a proud alcoholic, and I’ve been very vocal about who I am, my struggles, where I am today, and how I got to where I am today, to hopefully be a beacon of hope for people who are in our home and in our program. I love being sober and I’m an open book. Andrew: And we do like spreading that message that sobriety takes courage and it’s cool. It’s a really whole different level of self-discipline and learning about yourself as well. I do think it is a movement where people are starting to stand up and talk about it more. And then when you see a celebrity that’s sober and you had no idea, you’re like, wait a minute. What impressed me when I was out drinking and would be with a friend that didn’t have a drink at all that entire night was like, that is really cool that that person was hanging out, socializing with us, didn’t feel uncomfortable, and didn’t need to be drunk. I think it’s great that a lot of people are starting to talk about it. Joey: What’s really cool is that with a lot of LGBTQ sober celebrities, it shows that addiction affects everybody, all walks of life. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re homeless or if you’re a celebrity that everybody recognizes from the street, the beautiful thing is that it doesn’t discriminate, and it’s something that people can relate to one another. I find that rather beautiful. The couple would meet when they paired up for a real estate agent’s broker preview. Soon after they would start to hang out and discover their shared interest and their shared recovery path. Andrew was newly sober, with just a few months in, and Joey with more than a decade in recovery. After Andrew played hard to get for a bit, they eventually went from best friends to dating to getting married. And though they are currently on the same recovery journey, their fall to addiction was very different. Joey: I would put myself in very questionable situations where I have been sexually harassed and assaulted. And it’s something that has taken a lot of time and a lot of therapy to speak openly about. I did not like who I was, and I had three different versions of myself. I had Hoe-y who was a whore. I had Jose who was a completely despicable human being. And then Joey, who you’re interviewing today. But knowing that those versions of myself are dormant and not dead has been something that keeps me in check day in and day out, which is kind of neat. It was going to be my downfall and I probably would’ve died, to be completely transparent with you. Andrew: I was a functioning alcoholic for many years and it wasn’t until a series of events in my life that weren’t going my way. I had first-time deaths in my family that I had never dealt with before. Just some really hard times, all bundled together to where I tipped over and just could not stop drinking. And it was a depression along with that. I was literally at the bottom of a pit not knowing […]

White House Correspondent Eugene Daniels Brings Style AND Substance

With his retro ‘fro, signature turtlenecks and painted nails, Eugene Daniels has been bringing Mod Squad swagger to Morning Joe and Meet the Press, more than holding his own alongside seasoned political analysts. Described as a “rising star” Politico reporter by Vanity Fair upon his inclusion in Playbook, Daniels is part of an elite squad of reporters tasked with having their fingers on the pulse of the power players in Washington D.C. As an openly gay African American White House Correspondent, Daniels is broadening the lens of what it means to be a journalist in 2023. I sat down for a one-on-one Zoom session with Mr. Daniels to get a glimpse behind the man and his mystique. If intersectionality is the current buzz word du jour, Daniels is an apt representative, keenly aware that the very things that once were the source of trauma growing up are now valued traits which give him a unique insight into American politics. Combined with his calm demeanor and nuanced commentary, Daniels has become a mainstay on MSNBC and is representing in the best possible way as an openly gay, proud Black man. What’s more, Daniels is keenly aware of the responsibility that comes with this position. It is what drives him and informs his coverage. Little did he know as a Black gay child growing up in a smattering of Southern states from Arizona to Florida that he would one day not only be part of the White House press corps, but that he would be living out his ancestors’ wildest dreams, flying on Air Force One, chatting with the Bidens alongside his husband Nate Stephens at the White House Christmas party or posing questions for a one-on-one sit down with Madam Vice President Kamala Harris. But all that is a day in the very hectic life of Eugene Daniels who was once told by a former boss that he’d never make it in broadcasting because his voice was “too Black.” Fortunately, that very wrong and very bad advice did not deter him. To the contrary, it likely spurred him to greater heights because he realized if he wanted to spread his wings, he would need to leave behind the comfort of local news in Colorado and head to Washington D.C. Daniels posted a photo of himself as a child to his Instagram account on National Coming Out Day. It’s a sweet photo capturing the innocence of childhood but there’s a sadness that comes through his eyes. Whether the sadness had anything to do with his sense of being different or whether it was something entirely mundane, we’ll never know. Swipe right and we see the adult, fully realized out and proud man he would become. Beside the childhood photo, Daniels writes: “To the kid in the first picture: It’s going to take you decades (almost 3) to finally love yourself and accept what you already know to be true. It’ll take you longer to celebrate it.” Talk to me about what your childhood was like and the perspective that you now have looking back. I look back at my childhood and I feel very fortunate, despite the fact that I got bullied as a kid for being gay. I didn’t come out till I was 27, but I felt really lucky to have parents and siblings who were very loving. And so, while school really sucked, I would get to come home and my mom and I would talk almost every day. My dad was in the army, so he was deployed a lot, but also very there and fabulous. So, my home life was great. I think a lot of queer people look back and feel very sad for the kid that we were. There is a kind of hopelessness when you’re a kid and you know something’s different before you have the words to know what it is. I was one of those kids who always knew I was different and more fabulous and gay. Daniels describes the Pulse Nightclub shooting in 2016 as a catalyst for his own coming out. Though he was living in Colorado at the time, a safe distance from the massacre, Daniels recalls how the horrific event had a profound impact on him. I remember thinking seriously, for the very first time that I could die and no one would know who I actually am. That kind of shook me to come out of the closet. This terrible thing happened to all these people who were just being themselves and here I was in the closet. I started to envision what my life might look like if I started to live my truth, if I started to actually be myself and be with men. Up until that point, I dated women exclusively. I just could not leave this earth without my family knowing fully who I am. And it changed everything about my life. If Pulse provided the impetus to come out, it was his move to Washington D.C. which served as his springboard into embracing his truth as a gay man. He recalls reading a New York Times article by Jeremy Peters proclaiming Washington D.C. as “The Gayest City in America.” Though to be clear, there was a question mark in the title which gave the author a little wiggle room since the claim was based on surveys by Gallup and the Census Bureau. When I came out of the closet, I was very intentional about repeating the mantra “we’re never doing that shit again.” We’re never going to hide who we are. I’m going to feel comfortable in my skin. I’m going to always feel like I belong somewhere. My mom gave me this advice when I was younger which was “you belong in whatever room you find yourself.” Daniels applies this mantra to his professional life as he finds himself in spaces typically reserved for straight, white counterparts. A self-proclaimed Beyoncé super-fan, Daniels draws strength from the song “Cozy” from […]

Theresa Heredia is Crushing it in the Wine World

From ‘Winemaker to Watch’ to nominee for ‘Winemaker of the Year’ this heralded lesbian winemaker is celebrating 10 years of accomplishments at the renowned Gary Farrell Winery. This talented lady has made quite a name for herself in the male-dominated wine industry, where only about 10% of all winemakers are women. Along with the team at her winery, they are proving that diversity and inclusion are just good business – along with producing world-class wines of course. Theresa Heredia hails from the San Francisco Bay Area town of Pittsburg, just a stone’s throw from the famed Napa and Sonoma Wine Country. She earned a bachelor’s degree in biochemistry from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo and was a Ph.D. candidate in chemistry with an emphasis on enology at U.C. Davis, before leaving to pursue her passion of becoming a hands-on winemaker. Her travels to Burgundy, Bordeaux, and the Rhône Valley certainly furthered her love of wine. After contributing to many press accolades for vinification accomplishments as a winemaker at Freestone Vineyards & Winery, Theresa moved to Gary Farrell Vineyards & Winery in 2012 to advance her career. She was recently promoted in 2021 to director of winemaking, after a long list of honors for her creations by well-respected wine authorities including Wine Enthusiast, Wine Spectator, Wine & Spirits, to name a few. Specializing in cool-climate single vineyard Pinot Noirs and Chardonnays from iconic growers in the Russian River Valley, Theresa has recently earned some high marks for Gary Farrell Wines from the internet’s most comprehensive wine buying resource, Ken’s Wine Guide, as well as these ratings from industry authority Wine Enthusiast: 2019 Chardonnay – Durrell Vineyard: 95 points 2019 Chardonnay – Russian River Selection: 94 points 2018 Pinot Noir – Rochioli Vineyard: 95 points 2018 Pinot Noir – Fort Ross Vineyard: 95 points Now 20 years after entering the business and making her mark, Theresa is using her star power and influence to help the wine industry break down barriers for others. In addition to her work and support with national organizations like the Human Rights Campaign, she has become more involved locally by contributing her talent and vision to the Sonoma County Vintners Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Committee. She has demonstrated a commitment to work with others in the industry to bring about positive change. Theresa was recently honored with the North Bay Business Journal’s Pride Leadership Award which recognizes local professionals for their contributions to the Pride movement. The LGBTQ+ community feels a sense of inclusion at every touchpoint at Gary Farrell Vineyards & Winery. From the Equality Symbol and Rainbow Flag on their website and advertising material, to the diverse models used in their advertising to the welcoming team at their breathtaking ‘tasting salon’ in picturesque Healdsburg, California, it has one envisioning a world where acceptance is the norm. We can’t wait to see what Theresa has in store for us over the next 20 years. Learn more about Theresa Heredia and Gary Farrell Vineyards & Winery at www.GaryFarrellWinery.com. In West Sonoma County on the windy Westside Road that meanders through the scenic Russian River Valley AVA, you’ll find Gary Farrell Vineyards & Winery. Perched high on a leafy hilltop, this vintner has created a legacy of elegant wines in its rich 40-year history. Sommeliers, wine critics and oenophiles alike hold their pinot noir and chardonnay offerings in the highest regard. We think the optimal way to introduce yourself to these wines is right on site in one of Gary Farrell’s tasting areas, either indoors at ‘The Salon’ or outdoors on ‘The Terrace.’ You’ll experience an elevated tasting of pinot noirs and chardonnays paired with artisan cheeses while enjoying the breathtaking territorial vistas. For the out-of-towers, Gary Farrell is located between two of the most appealing gay tourist destinations in the county; gay-friendly uber-casual Guerneville with its rustic woodsy charm and the alluring Healdsburg with its bevy of upscale dining, shopping and hotel options. To reserve a tasting experience, visit www.GaryFarrellWinery.com. Furthering their commitment to the community, Gary Farrell became an early supporter and member of the newly formed LGBT+ Wine Society. This group brings together wine lovers, LGBT-friendly wineries, restaurants, hotels and retailers in Sonoma County for a welcoming community experience. One of the key outputs from this group is the hot-off-the-press Sonoma County LGBT+ Wine Map. “What a great resource for our community,” exclaimed Gary Saperstein, local business owner of Out in the Vineyard and promoter of Gay Wine Weekend. With over 425 wineries in Sonoma County, the LGBT+ visitor can hone in on those establishments that are gay-owned, gay-operated or have demonstrated a commitment to the community through their support and actions. Charter Sonoma County businesses included: Eco Terreno Wines & Vineyards Equality Vines Gary Farrell Vineyards & Winery Iron Horse Vineyards Marimar Estate Vineyards & Winery Martin Ray Vineyards & Winery Roadhouse Winery Sophie’s Cellars Duncans Mills House – Lodging The Woods Cottages & Cabins Lo & Behold Bar + Kitchen The Spinster Sisters Restaurant The Girl & The Fig Restaurant Exclusive events, discounts, and special offers throughout the year are planned by the LGBT+ Wine Society. If you love wine and live in the San Francisco Bay Area, or plan to visit Sonoma and would like a complimentary wine map, individual membership is currently free – just provide your name and e-mail. Visit: www.LGBTwinesociety.com Follow on FB: @LGBTwinesociety Follow on IG: @LGBTWineSociety

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