How To Win Your Office Oscars Pool

Written by | Miscellaneous

It’s time we stopping being polite and start getting real about your Oscars pool.

When we talk about the Oscars, we’re usually talking about the sexy awards: Picture, Actors, Director. Which is to say, the awards Harvey Weinstein spends enough money on each year that could have been better used to cure Alice of her Alzheimer’s disease, but I digress. Is 2015 going to be a Boyhood or Birdman year? Are we going to honor Stephen Hawking or Alan Turing?

We don’t care.

If you want to win your office pool, this is how to do it: Focus on all the little awards no one cares about. Everyone else breezes through those uninformed, and like with the SAT, blind guessing is no help. But Best Live-Action Short Film is scored equally to Best Picture! You paid your $5 dammit, and you want to take home that pot; make educated guesses on the forgettable awards.

Which, obviously you’re not going to take the time to do. So our film critic Jonathan Roche has done the tedious, careful research for you, and all you have to do is copy these answers to your Oscars ballot. If you still need some help with the big guys, Jonathan already chose those, and we also consulted Hedda Lettuce to get the unique and important input of a world-famous drag queen. But for now, let’s win you your office Oscars pool. Hit it, Jonathan.

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BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
The shorts are hard to predict because most people don’t see them, but apparently CRISIS HOTLINE is a strong favorite.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHER
Emmanuel Lubezki (BIRDMAN), and it’s literally easy to ‘see’ why.

BEST FILM EDITING
Perhaps the terrifically taut WHIPLASH, but more likely the 12-year spanning BOYHOOD.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN
THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, which stands out amidst a colorful field of competitors.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
INTO THE WOODS has a shot, but most likely this will be another award residing at THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING’s score is quite effective, but THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL is more likely to win.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
“Glory” from SELMA (which should’ve gotten more nominations) has the most mass appeal will definitely win.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
I’m thinking it’ll be PLANET OF THE APES for its exceptional simulacrum of primates, but INTERSTELLAR is equally visually impressive in different and perhaps broader ways.

BEST MAKEUP & HAIRSTYLING
Going with GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL again, but I’d also say that GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY has a shot.

BEST SOUND MIXING
The two sound awards are difficult to understand, but apparently this one will go to AMERICAN SNIPER, maybe WHIPLASH.

BEST SOUND EDITING
AMERICAN SNIPER again, even more definitely, though I’d think INTERSTELLAR is more deserving.

BEST SHORT FILM, LIVE ACTION
BOOGALOO AND GRAHAM, the only one with feel-good aspects.

BEST SHORT FILM, ANIMATED
Disney, upset last year, has a cute puppy hungering and pouting for the prize in FEAST, but the more substantial THE BIGGER PICTURE might be a better bet.

And OK, these aren’t little awards, but maybe you still don’t know what do. So here are some bonus picks:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
J.K. Simmons, no question about it – see WHIPLASH to understand why.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Patricia Arquette, the uniqueness of BOYHOOD as a film has her performance standing out from the pack.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Could be BIRDMAN, but more likely the remarkably bespoke GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Might be WHIPLASH, but more likely the more heavyweight IMITATION GAME.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
I’m guessing HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 will win as its predecessor did, but since sequels are generally not lauded it might be Disney’s BIG HERO SIX.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Probably IDA (Poland) which is excellent and touches on the holocaust, but possibly the more deserving LEVIATHAN (Russia).

BEST DOCUMENTARY
Definitely CITIZEN FOUR, and everyone really should see it.

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Last modified: July 27, 2017

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