Paul Hagen wants you to brush out your best wig and join him for a very Looking Halloween, Lookers!
Previously on Looking… Patrick and Richie took an ENDLESS trip to where Richie grew up, and they decided to be friends. Bear Eddie totally managed to make Agustin think he was going to resist his romantic advances, but they ended up becoming coitally acquainted anyway. And the show apparently forgot about Dom and Doris for an episode. Not cool, show. Dom and Doris would never do that to you.
Halloween Store that Used to Be a Blockbuster: Patrick, Agustin and Dom are poking around one of those obnoxious stores that only exist at Halloween to make sure they can sell as much crap as humanly possible. Agustin wants to go as the “Golden Ghouls” again, but Patrick is tired of being an old dead woman (in more way than one). He wants to be a fun gay! Agustin thinks he is already a fun gay. “You are, literally, the least fun gay I know,” says Dom. Amen, sister! Patrick thinks Agustin and Bear Eddie should be doing a “couples costume” like, apparently, Dom and Doris always do. Patrick finds a pair of sparkly wings and suggests Agustin go as a “hairy fairy.” At this point, it looks like th costume is gonna be a hot mess, but it will turn out to be the most fun I’ve ever had watching Agustin.
Street of Obseesive Compulsion: Patrick is planning so fast that his mouth is nearly producing steam. It’s worth noting that he asks Dom to be there with the keg a half hour early and when Dom shows up later, it will seem like the party is well under way. Continuity error or Dom being late? The world may never know. Agustin heads away from Dom and Patrick; he has to go to work because “homeless gay kids don’t stop being homeless on the weekend!” Agustin shoves off his one party planning responsibility on Patrick, who observes that even New-and-Improved-Agustin leaves him doing all the work. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s surprised.
Office of Theft: Patrick has arrived at his office to pick up his special Monster Mash karaoke mix. Apparently it’s on a CD, even though you’d think an alleged tech geek like Patrick would find a more efficient way to transport his music. He is also taking the opportunity to thieve party supplies and candy from the company kitchen. I think he even stole the bowl. Way to keep it classy, Pat.
Office of Missing His Affair: Hot British Kevin is in his office playing a video game. Patrick pops in, and HBK complains that it scared him. “Well, it is Halloween,” is Patrick’s sassy comeback. Patrick is glad that HBK is playing a video game and not working as that would “shame” Patrick. HBK mentions that he was actually working on coding the gay battle app that they came up with during their forbidden love. Patrick didn’t even know HBK was going to move ahead with it. But it turns out that HBK has been inventing work – a sure sign that he can’t stand being around his partner post-breaking up with Patrick. HBK asks why Patrick isn’t busy party-planning. Patrick is planning (by stealing from the office). Patrick has invited HBK to the party but gives him permission not to come. HBK asks if Patrick does not want him to come. Patrick awkwardly makes it clear that he basically invited HBK so as not to be the guy-who-didn’t-invite him. HBK tries to be all “This might be my only Halloween in San Francisco; so I’m not gonna waste it at your stupid party” which leads him to mention he plans to move back to Seattle because it will be better for him and John. Patrick freaks out a little.
Shelter of Taking Out Aggression on Gourds: A teen with skeleton makeup has written “Fag Pumpkin” on a pumpkin as a “social statement.” Bear Eddie observes that this is a step up from last year’s “Anal Rape” pumpkin. The trans girl who told Agustin Bear Eddie was out sick last week has carved a Banksy-inspired pumpkin, which leads Bear Eddie to announce that there are three things he believes in: RuPaul. Hillary Clinton. His Shelter Kids. Well, there’s a value system for you. He hands out some iHop gift certificates that they got through a grant. One of the kids says pancakes suck. “Only in America could a homeless kid complain about free pancakes,” Bear Eddie says. He’ll be here all week, folks. Try the veal!
Administrative Space of Emotional Attachment:. Agustin wants wants Bear Eddie to stay over after the Halloween party. In bed. Clothing optional. Bear Eddie has promised to meet some friends at a bar called “End Up” which is both the best name I can think of for an after-hours nightspot and, apparently, a real place (www.theendup.com). But, ever the game-player, Bear Eddie informs Agustin that if his fairy costume is good enough, Bear Eddie might stay. Agustin asks if that’s a challenge. Bear Eddie presses a button to reveal his hat lights up like a jack-o-lantern. So that’s a yes? “You’re spending the night. You might even spend many nights,” Agustin says. Bear Eddie gets all serious for a second, telling Agustin to “slow his roll” but the little smile that creeps into his face tells you how charmed he is by Agustin’s enthusiasm. You guys, Bear Eddie is so well written and performed, he may even be making me hate Agustin less by association.
Apartment of Non-sexual Life Partnerships Shaken: Dom wants Doris to look at something on the computer, but she protests that she has already voted NO on keeping pictures of his butt-hole in his naked picture collection. Oh my god, you guys, I think they have a framed painting of a bottle of Tanqueray. Actually, the news is that Dom is tweeting as @ChickenDom40, and – yes – it is a real Twitter handle, and I hope the show does awesome things with it. Doris mocks Dom for only having 30 followers. (He just started, lady. Ease up.) To her credit, Doris admits she’s technologically backwards and suggests Dom ask one of Patrick’s techie friends to help. “You mean, like, come help Grandpa with the clicker?” Dom asks. Yes, Dom, she does. Ultimately, this is all just foreplay to Dom busting out his & hers costumes: Dom and Doris will be He-Man and She-Ra! Watching Doris collapse into tears as he unpacks various headpieces and harnesses is amazing. Turns out, she already told Malik she would dress up with him. Dom gets it. Couples wear couple costumes. Doris asks why homosexuals are so into ruining straight people’s relationships with labels?! (Doris, there are gay people who don’t do that. Just not on this show.) Dom puts on the He-Man wig. Doris says he looks like a mentally-ill Barbie doll. I think he looks like the stunt double for the girl from Sia’s “Chandelier” video.
Apartment of Almost Party Time: Agustin is helping Patrick get into some robotic-looking armor. “Isn’t this costume great?” Patrick enthuses. Agustin speaks for all of us by asking what on earth Patrick is supposed to be. Patrick informs us that he, his robotic armor and his goatee are supposed to be Gordon Freeman (and there’s your episode title – everybody drink!) – whose claim to “fame” is that he was the main character of a first-person shooter video game with so little in the way of distinguishing characteristics that he allowed players to more thoroughly imagine them in his place. (If my eyes could roll any further back in my head, I’d be looking down my own throat.) Were Patrick smarter, he would tell people he is a mailman from the future – which is Agustin’s guess as to the nature of the costume. Patrick goes on a mini-rant: He wants to forget about Hot British Kevin tonight! He wants to be HASHTAG-INSTAGAY at this party! They toast Patrick’s ridiculous costume, which Agustin refers to as (Academy Award Winner) Morgan Freeman. This is seriously Agustin’s best episode ever, you guys.
Patrick and Agustin’s Big Fat Gay Halloween Party – In Yard: Agustin is wearing a skirt and shoulder pads made of neon colored wig hair in yellows, reds and greens, which contrast beautifully with his bouncy wig-tails in purple and blue. He’s also rocking the fairy wings we saw earlier, a wand and naughty secretary glasses. It all clashes/blends beautifully with his beard and chest hair. I can’t believe I’m about to type these words, but I am utterly charmed by this version of Agustin, who mentions that the music is kind of terrible. Patrick protests! It’s his very special party playlist! It looks like the party is pretty well stocked with aggressively costumed people already; so the music can’t be THAT bad. Patrick aggressively compliments a passerby on his Maleficent costume. Calm down, Patrick. Dom enters, dressed as He-Man and toting a keg. I must say that, as He-Dom, Murray Bartlett’s body is everything, you guys. He doesn’t know who Patrick is dressed as either. Patrick tries to get Dom and some of the other partygoers to sign up for karaoke later. That can’t possibly end well.
Kitchen of How Not to Have Fun at a Party : He-Dom wrestles the keg into the kitchen where Co-worker Owen seems to be dressed as a beat poet. He-Dom is all, “You’re that social media guy.” And Owen is like, “Am I? I only have 3300 tumblr followers.” He-Dom thought tumblr was just for porn. Co-worker Owen says it’s not NOT for porn. Then he asks the essential question: “Do you not know what a tumblr is?” He-Dom he-doesn’t, Co-Worker Owen. Also, could you help him with the clicker?
Yard of Arrivals: Doris and Malik enter as Sonny and Cher circa “The Sonny and Cher Show” in all its spangled, sequinned glory – she as the mousy, mustachioed Sonny and he as a glorious black Cher. Patrick can’t figure out who they are, and Malik does an impression of Cher that sounds like a pigeon having an orgasm. Once Patrick learns that they are Sonny and Cher, he declares them “the cutest.” Doris calls him Gay Walter White-Tron – in reference to the goatee, I guess? Patrick is still shocked that no one gets his costume and aggressively suggests Doris and Cherlik do karaoke. Clearly something about Cherlik’s romance is not working for Doris tonight. Maybe it’s the fact that she could have been dressed as She-Ra and instead looks like a 1970s Encyclopedia Salesman who got dressed on acid. To add to the crazy, Dom swans down the steps, runs up to Patrick and goes: “What do you think about domsjuicychicken.tumblr.com?” If that’s not the mother of all non-sequiturs, I don’t know what is.
Inside the Raging Halloween Party: Patrick is freaking out that no one has signed up for karaoke, even though the party seems to be humming along quite nicely. He just wants people to have fun!!! Agustin informs Patrick that people are having fun and that he could probably have more fun if he stopped worrying about karaoke like a poindexter. He also reacts to Patrick’s apparently fiery alcohol breath just to let us know that Patrick has been getting tanked the whole time he’s been too worried to enjoy the party.
All Hail the Arrival of Bear Eddie: Bear Eddie enters and asks if Agustin is the Chlamydia Fairy. Agustin stands atop some furniture to ask if Bear Eddie is Hargrid from Harry Potter. He is, apparently, noted Hobbit Bilbo Baggins, and he has brought with him a gentleman dressed as Legolas from the Lord of the Rings. Bear Eddie informs Patrick that
Legolas finds Patrick to be hot, and they should discuss being single and adorable together. Oh, Bear Eddie. It’s nice that you still think Patrick is mentally stable enough to inflict on your friends. Patrick asks if Legolas is Link from Legend of Zelda. Legolas tries to charmingly explain that they had a big bunch of people dressed as “Lords of the Cockrings” but most of them got lost. Patrick asks Legolas to hold on for a second and walks away.
All Hail the Arrival of Richie and Queer Brady Olsen:Queer Brady Olsen is wearing a bathrobe with a hood and pink bunny ears – and a plastic crown. Richie is wearing a hoodie and a t-shirt with a character from Where the Wild Things Are. Queer Brady Olsen is the only person who recognizes Patrick’s costume, calling it the best Gordon Freeman he’s ever seen. You can tell Patrick would rather be hearing this from someone whose opinion he values. QBO’s hag shows up in a prom dress with a bucket suspended above her head spilling out red glitter streamers. Patrick guesses that she’s Carrie. QBO had earlier warned her that people might just think she was an angry tampon in that get-up. QBO dashes off to make them some whisky drinks – but not before sharing a little kiss with Richie that makes Patrick die inside. Patrick condescendingly notes that QBO has a lot of energy. Richie says he’s amped because an article he wrote went viral. “That’s a real accomplishment,” Patrick says because he gives not a damn about QBO and his achievements. Richie says QBO is fun. Patrick is all: Not as fun as me! Richie ACTUALLY says, “He’s WAY more fun than you.” Fantastic! Patrick isn’t sure Richie is kidding, as QBO and Hag Carrie return with shots of whisky. Hag Carrie can’t shut up about how cute Richie and QBO are together and makes them pose for an impromptu mini-photo shoot. Patrick finally skitters away like a cockroach from the light.
Yard of Misery: Poor Legolas is going on and on about how his job is boring but it pays pretty well. Patrick interrupts him mid-sentence to say he’s got to go check on the chips. Cold, Patrick. Patrick joins the other main characters around the fire pit, where Queer Brady Olsen is holding court, asserting that everyone should be on PreP. Bear Eddie says he would’ve done it (back before he seroconverted). Co-Worker Owen thinks it’s weird to take a pill just so you can have sex. Doris points out that women have been doing it for years, and it’s called BIRTH CONTROL. Dom says it’s not the same, but QBO says PreP liberates gay men in way similar to how the pill liberated women. Patrick doesn’t see how having unprotected sex liberates anyone. “What’s so bad about using condoms?” he asks. QBO points out that you’re actually still supposed to use condoms while on PreP. Patrick goes, “The only reason that people use condoms is because they have a fear of dying of HIV.” JESUS, PATRICK. SOMEONE WITH HIV IS STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU. Agustin meekly says, “You can’t die of HIV.” Well, he tried. Patrick’s point is that QBO shouldn’t be telling other people how to run their lives since he doesn’t have HIV or take PreP. But QBO is on PreP. They’ve been discussing his article about why he takes PreP. Which is called, “Why I Take PreP.” Patrick sputters for a few moments, before Bear Eddie saves the day with, “Well you know a party is awesome when everybody starts talking about AIDS.” Bear Eddie would rather be in the bathroom “jerking off to feline leukemia.” Richie asks what feline leukemia is. Doris informs him with some well-chosen synonyms, and I can’t believe I’m going to write this, but you’ll want to remember this turn of phrase for next week.
Bathroom of Begging: Agustin wants Bear Eddie to stay and spend the night. Bear Eddie finishes relieving himself and reminds Agustin that he is not a snuggler. And he informed Agustin very early on that he was not into labels. Agustin gets that labels freak some people out, but he really likes Bear Eddie, and he would like to know what Bear Eddies “smells like in the morning.” Bear Eddie rolls his eyes, but it was sort of a cute thing to say. Agustin lights a bowl, takes a toke, and blows it into Bear Eddie’s mouth as Doris pounds on the door. But she seems pretty happy to be walking into a cloud of weed smoke when they exit. “Yum! Yum! I smell drugs!” is what she says. Oh, Doris.
Corner of Intimate Confession: Cherlik is confessing to He-Dom that when he falls for a lady, he falls hard, and he fears he may have scared Doris with the hardness of his falling. He-Dom says he thinks that Cherlik did scare Doris a little but he suspects it’s because she is feeling reciprocal feelings. Cherlik is all giving-it-up-for-his-lady’s-BFF and invites Dom to feel his faux bosoms. So I guess they’re close now?
The Depths of Patrick’s Misery: Patrick looks one way and sees Richie making out with QBO in a dooryway. He takes a swig of his drink. He looks another way and sees Bear Eddie and Agustin being sweet to one another. He refills his drink and takes another swig. He determinedly walks over to Legolas and plants a BIG kiss on him. “Are you serious right now? What am I: Your sloppy party leftovers?” asks Legolas. What is it with people on this show going: “What am I? Exactly the thing that I am?” Legolas also insults the music on the way out. Naturally, Hot British Kevin chooses this moment to show up with John hanging all over him. John says the city is so crazy tonight! They saw a guy with his balls out (and John grabs HBK’s balls to illustrate). Patrick looks like he could barbecue steak with the flames of his rage. John goes to find “booze,” and Patrick is all: How could you bring your boyfriend to the house of the guy you were cheating on him with? HBK wants Patrick to watch what he says, and John comes bounding over with a bottle and cups. Patrick excuses himself and begins having a full on meltdown. He-Dom catches him, and says he can ask HBK and John to leave. Patrick tells him not to, but then sees that the karaoke sign up list is still empty and somebody tells Patrick she loves his “Mega Man” costume and Patrick loses his s**t COMPLETELY. Hold on to your garters, girls. It’s about to get epic.
Patrick’s Epic Meltdown: What’s truly great about this meltdown is that you think it’s going to be an all-out disaster, but Patrick keeps getting the crowd with him for a minute only to then he swerve back into disaster mode again. He starts by pulling out a chair to stand on, turning off the music and grabbing the karaoke mic. He wishes everyone a Happy Halloween and they hoot and holler. He says he and Agustin never have parties, but this year, he’s being a fun gay and fun gays have parties. There is more positive crowd reaction. But why is no one singing karaoke?!?! Patrick would like to know. And Patrick would like everyone to know that his friends are here – such as He-Dom. Patrick informs them that He-Dom is too poor to open his chicken window and asks the crowd to pass a hat and take up a collection for him – LIKE CHURCH! Awkward. Patrick introduces Agustin and proceeds to tell Agustin that he’s done a good job rebuilding his life after being found in the street on drugs. Oh, and a rent check would be nice. Urgh. Patrick next toasts Richie for finding Agustin on the street and finding his SOUL MATE Queer Brady Olsen. And he shares with the crowd that QBO is Doctor Ruth; so if they need meds, see “the Ginger in the crown.” Oy! And Patrick would also like to raise a glass to his boss Kevin! Especially to that time when they were alone and… DOM FINALLY TAKES THE MIC AWAY. As Patrick is whisked off, Doris shares with He-Dom that the passing of the hat netted them all of twelve bucks. Dom tells Doris that Cherlik is great. She knows, but he’s so great it’s scaring her! And she hates her costume! After all, you know how Sonny and Cher ended up.
Steps of All the Regret: So I guess this is a good time to mention that Agustin has been calling Patrick “Mrs. Dalloway” all night, which – if you did not know – is a Virginia Woolf story about a lady planning a party. (GET IT?!?!) “That was quite a speech,” says Hot British Kevin, entering. HBK asks if Agustin would mind giving them a moment of privacy. YES, HE WOULD MIND, Agustin informs him (like a good friend should), but Patrick waves him off, and Agustin daintily grabs his high heels and heads back inside. (There’s nothing like that point when it’s late enough to take off your heels on Halloween – am I right, ladies?) HBK apologizes for coming. He was drunk and at a bar around the corner and made a bad judgment call. Patrick suddenly begs HBK not to go to Seattle. He can’t bear the thought that they’d never get to see each other again. John (and his ridiculous Jester hat) shows up looking for the karaoke sign up sheet and notices there is tension in the air. Though John has just announced that he is about to SLAY some Celine Dion at karaoke, HBK asks if they can go instead. John wishes Patrick a Happy Halloween. “The happiest,” Patrick says, utterly defeated. Patrick also wishes them good luck in Seattle and tells HBK he hopes that he gets what he wants. John asks what he means. It means that Patrick is incredible bitter that your boyfriend didn’t choose him, John.
Party of Couplehood: Back inside, it’s nothing but couples. Doris and Cherlik are singing along to Patrick’s Monster Mash karaoke mix. Bear Eddie and Agustin are dancing. Richie and QBO are drinking and laughing. Patrick collapses on the sofa in He-Dom’s arms. Richie gives Patrick a look of pity. Patrick smiles at him hopefully, and Richie turns his back on Patrick and dances over to QBO. Seems like two out of two men don’t choose Patrick. And after tonight’s display, can you blame them?
So, Lookers: Is it just Bear Eddie’s good influence or did Agustin truly become a much better person this episode? Would Doris have been better off dressing as She-Ra instead of Sonny, and why is she so scared to have a real relationship with Malik anyway? And would Patrick have had more fun at his ex-ridden pity party if he had actually dressed as Mrs. Dalloway? Leave your comments on the empty karaoke sign-up sheet below.
Last modified: March 16, 2018