Welcome to the first annual Hatemonger DumDum Awards! We’re thrilled to present an array of trophies to the woman who crushed the competition and triumphed in every single category that we just made up. Let’s list off her braindead accomplishments, shall we?
The award for Pettiest Firestarter goes to… Angelina Cando!
That’s right: Cray-Cray Cando ignited a rainbow-tiered Make America Gay Again flag that was waving proudly above the entrance to Little Prince, a restaurant nestled in New York’s stylish SoHo neighborhood.
Cando’s incendiary deeds were caught on video. That’s vintage DumDum behavior! But wait – our honoree didn’t stop there.
Category is: What the Fuzz?
And the winner is: Angelina Cando!
This holy roller veered out of control as she targeted cop cars during her unhinged episode. Yes, you read that correctly: cop cars. MichelAngelina painted the words “Jesus Is King” on two police cruisers as they were parked at the 1st Precinct station.
Now that’s some celestial stupidity!
And finally, the award for Just Desserts goes to… well, slap my fanny – it’s Angelina Cando!
The suspect was finally arrested for her spree of idiocy and charged with a smorgasbord of infractions. Not only will she face hate crime prosecution, but her impromptu flag bonfire damaged the exterior of the eatery, so she was also booked with reckless endangerment and criminal mischief.
But Pride is more resilient than ignorance, and Little Prince now brandishes an even bigger flag to welcome their guests.
So, congrats and a half, Angelina Cando; you are now an illustrious Hatemonger DumDum Award winner! We would encourage you to take a bow, but you’d probably wind up soiling yourself and wounding an orphan in the process.
Maybe take a seat forever instead? There’s a cozy prison bench with your name on it. It’s located in Cell Block Byyyeeee!
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