RECAP: The Great Holiday Baking Show, Episode 2: “Cake Week”

It’s “Cake Week” on the Great Holiday Baking Show, and Metrosource editors Paul Hagen
and Matt Gurry
have some thoughts about it.

“How Apropos of Nothing Thou Art”

Nia and Ian brought the five bakers who survived “Cookie Week” into the tent for this second episode. Mary and Johnny challenged them with three cakes, a buche de Noel Signature, a tiramisu Technical, and a fruitcake Showstopper. They loved Lauren’s cakes, naming her Star Baker for the second week in a row and sent Eddie home to sing the blues. But Paul and Matt have some of their own distinctions to make.

BEST PART OF THIS WEEK’S OPENING:
PAUL: The inclusion of a gospel choice, apropos of nothing.
MATT: Ainslie understands—as early as episode 2!—that Mary likes polished decorations and promises to nail down her piping. It’s hard to find most of the GBBO seasons online, but this baker has done her research, and that is how you become a Star Baker.

WORST PART OF THIS WEEK’S OPENING:
PAUL: The seizures. Oh, I’m sorry, I’m being informed that was dancing.
MATT: Nia shutting down Ian’s “piece of cake” pun.

NIA VARDALOS’S LOW-CUT OUTERWEAR…
PAUL: …looks like two white rabbits trying to escape a mink.
MATT: …must make it easier on Eddie when she sends him home.

FOOD THAT CONTAINS THE WORD “LOG”…
PAUL: …is definitely going to remind you of something unpleasant.
MATT: …probably makes Lauren all like, “Um, my people eat fried potatoes at the holidays. This right here is some Gentile nonsense.”

ON JOHNNY TELLING LAUREN HER BUCHE BELONGS IN A FRENCH PATISSERIE:
MATT: It’s like how all the best Christmas carols were written by Jews! Lauren is baking’s Irving Berlin!
PAUL: Definitely sounds like sexual harassment.

NICOLE IS CRAZIER THAN:
PAUL: A cat that has been left in a running dryer.
MATT: You bite your tongue, Paul Hagen! Her pumpkin roll is inventive, her Girl Scouts theme is creative, and her—oh, that interaction with Johnny. I get it.

EDDIE’S GRANDMOTHER:
PAUL: …is my second favorite person on this whole show—after Mary Berry.
MATT: …is probably still laughing at his wisecrack about ladyfingers, like women, causing him problems. Aww!

WHY CAN’T TIM GET HIS CREAM RIGHT?
PAUL: Performance anxiety.
MATT: Jesus Christ, Paul. You’re embarrassing yourself now.

WHOSE LOG I’D MOST WANT TO EAT ON CHRISTMAS:
PAUL: Tim’s. Though, not necessarily anything he’s asked Mary to taste. HEY-YO!!!
MATT: I handed you that one on a platter, Paul. You’re welcome.

Tim, baking at home, unaware that Paul is hiding in that poinsettia

DOING SHOTS IN THE MIDDLE OF BAKING…
PAUL: …is the only way I know how to participate in baking.
MATT: …is rude to do if you’re not going to offer one to Nia.

IF JOHNNY REFUSED TO BREAK EYE CONTACT WITH ME WHILE EATING:
PAUL: It would haunt my nightmares forever.
MATT: I wouldn’t notice so long as Mary Berry is at the table reacting to his tiramisu like that.

REACTION TO NICOLE HAVING NO CLUE WHAT A TIRAMISU IS:
PAUL: I want to weep sweet Kahlua tears.
MATT: Allow me to introduce you to the early ’90s, Nicole:

THE WORD “LADYFINGERS” WAS NOT USED OFTEN ENOUGH IN THIS EPISODE:
PAUL: False.
MATT: I’m giving them a pass. They had to make their own, so it’s kind of a big deal. Even Ina Garten uses store-bought.

THOSE DAMN EDITORS!:
PAUL: Johnny: You know you misspelled Christmas right? [Eddie looks crestfallen.] / Johnny: No, I’m just kidding. [Eddie looks infinitely relieved.] But seriously, it better taste better than it looks. [Eddie looks even more crestfallen now.] MATT: Nia: “The key to ladyfingers…is to sprinkle confectioner’s sugar on them just before baking.” / Tim: “Pretty sure that dusting with powdered sugar comes after.”

DID PAUL GET ENOUGH MENTIONS OF TIM TALKING ABOUT CREAM IN THIS EPISODE?
PAUL: It was an epic journey: Lo, our hero had twice failed to correctly produce his cream! And though fair Princess Nia arrived to bless his third creaming, the Lady Berry proclaimed it to be still too sweet. Thus, it was not until the signature bake—when creating a cream to bury deep within Johnny’s tiramisu—that our hero finally crafted a cream about which he could crow!
MATT: Ew.

TIM SAYING HE DOES NOT CARE FOR TRADITIONAL FRUITCAKES:
PAUL: Is more Ironic than rain on Alanis Morissette’s wedding day.
MATT: Get a room, you two! FFS!

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
PAUL: “Hater’s Gonna Hate, but the Baker’s Gonna Bake, Honey!” —Nicole
MATT: The sign at Tim’s NJ amusement park: “Bake the World a Better Place.”

ARE NAKED CAKES REALLY ALL THE RAGE RIGHT NOW?
PAUL: Hey, whatever gets you hammered on rum-laced fruitcake.
MATT: Really, Paul? Do you even pay attention to this show when Tim isn’t in the shot?

MARY BERRY IS WEARING MORE BRONZER THAN:
PAUL: Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger.
MATT: Me, the morning after eating Eddie’s rum-soaked Two Turtle Doves Fruitcake. (Haha, “You’re hammered, Mary!”)

With chocolate berets on her three French hens and a tréma on her “E,” Lauren’s crushing it on the detail work.

DID THE RIGHT PERSON WIN STAR BAKER?
PAUL: Yes! Three French Hens! Which made me physically shout, “Three French Hens!”
MATT: I want to hate on Lauren for bringing the Eiffel Tower to the tent again, but those Signature and Showstopper Bakes…holy merde!

DID THE RIGHT PERSON GO HOME?
PAUL: I object strenuously to the loss of Eddie’s grandmother. Why did Ainslie spend all that time playing with her little yellow balls only to drop them?
MATT: Hate to say it, but yes. Lauren’s execution mishaps were safely outweighed by her ingenuity. And she gives good reaction shot. I want more of that next week.

THIS WEEK’S LESSON:
PAUL: Kvelling—it means they’re, like, so proud they’re busting their buttons.
MATT: We should only drink rum at bars we can swim up to.

Lesson for Eddie: If you bake with your eyes open, you’re less likely to go home

The Great Holiday Baking Show airs Monday nights on ABC. Next week is “Pastry Week,” and Paul and Matt promise not to flake out on you. They’ll be right back here with your recap.

Last modified: July 27, 2017