Save Face with the Glizzy Gripper™

Written by | The Lens

Sure, we all love the taste and feel of a slimy tube of meat ramming into our mouths, but what about privacy? Fear not, because Matty Benedetto has invented a device to conceal your shame and up your game… your wiener game, that is.

Now you can gorge on engorged treats with relish! That’s right, the Glizzy Gripper provides discretion for hot dog eaters who are self-conscious about their love of lunchmeat. Just secure your phallic meal in the hungry slot and let the side panel block out the prying eyes of onlookers. They’re all just jealous that you’ve got a mouthful of YUM!

The Glizzy Gripper is just the latest innovation from Benedetto’s fertile imagination. He is the tech titan who brought us the iPhone 12 “L” – a woefully misguided smart device that fits neither your pocket nor your lifestyle.

But it’s Benedetto’s oral fixations that have put him at the top of the food chain when it comes to unwelcome inventions. Open your mind to the Cuisine Curtain, a bespoke set of drapes that clip to your nose. Bully for you!

Now that you have a cordoned-off safe space in which to eat, you can chow down on Matty’s bespoke Avocado on a Stick – it’s like deodorant, only more guacamole-y.

For dessert, slurp down a frosty confection and suckle from the teat of Benedetto’s patented Cone Cream Catcher.

You’ve really got to hand it to Matty Benedetto; he’s got his finger on the pulse of what literally no consumers want.

But he is biting off more than he can chew with the Glizzy Gripper. This wiener accessory is marketed towards straight men who dare not publicize their affinity for cylindrical snacks that appear “gay” in any way.

Matty’s mockummercial has piled up 1.7 million views and counting. To quote the great Jennifer Coolidge, “Makes me want a hot dog real bad!” And now we can satisfy our carnivorous cravings with dignity. Thank you, Matty Benedetto.

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Saving the world. One farmer’s tan at a time.

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Last modified: October 21, 2020