He has broken records, he has broken hearts, and now he’s breaking barriers.
Jonathan is Earth’s oldest land-dwelling animal. At a sprightly 190 years young, he also just notched another world record into his distinguished carapace: the oldest tortoise to have ever lived.
Take that, former title-holder Tu’i Malila!
So, what is Jonathan’s secret to longevity? Gay sex, and lots of it.
Jonathan had been (slowly) humping a tortoise known as Fredrika for 26 years. Talk about a chafed cloaca! Anywho, she developed several lesions on her shell back in 2017, so she visited the vet for treatment.
According to the St. Helena government website, Fredrika’s partner was beside himself (and by her side) with worry.
“Fredrika was an absolute star during the procedure and did not seem at all fazed by it. Jonathan came over and would not leave our side the whole way through!”
But the procedure revealed so much more about the prehistoric paramours than imagined. Upon closer inspection, Fredrika wasn’t Fredrika at all – he was Fredrik.
It’s like a reptile Crying Game!
The outing didn’t diminish Jonathan’s zeal for feels. He continues to have thorough fornication with Fred, the tortoise formerly known as Fredrika, as well as a freaky filly named Emma.
This tortoise triad shows no signs of slowing down (lazy pun intended).
“In spite of his age, Jonathan still has good libido and is seen frequently to mate with Emma and sometimes Fred,” explains Joe Hollins. In an interview with Guinness World Records, Hollins declares, “Animals are often not particularly gender-sensitive!”
How touching (literally).
In fact, touch has proven to be Jonathan’s most enduring sensory capability. He has lost his sense of smell and cataracts have almost completely obscured his eyesight. Which just goes to show you: enough raunchy boot-knockin’ really CAN make you go blind.
Good riddance, vision – we’ll let our hearts guide the way.
And congrats to Jonathan, Emma, Fred and any other party animals that cross their sensual paths. Here’s to another 190 years of YOLO!
Last modified: February 6, 2022