Ask Daddy is an advice column for LGBTQ readers with questions relating to sexuality, morality, coming out or navigating relationships. And always remember, the best advice this Gay Daddy has for you is that if you have an urgent issue or are in need of regular counseling, seek out a therapist who can offer you individual care in person.
This week, Kevin responds to a writer who’s ready to ditch his virginity… but how?
Here’s what a reader asked Daddy:
How do I break my cycle of being a virgin? Let me start off by saying that I’m a 22 year old virgin who has literally no experience when it comes to dating, kissing or sex of any kind. I have had several opportunities to get all up in that, in high school and twice while in college. I have chickened out at every turn though.
I’m a black male who doesn’t get to go out very often because I’m the oldest of five, have a single mom who works six days out of the week, as well as two teenage brothers who have their own thing going on with friends and school. This leaves me having to babysit my youngest siblings majority of the time.
At this point I’ve become very awkward, scared and unaware of how to socialize in public events. This includes family events. I will be turning 23 towards the end of December and at the rate I’m going, it is very possible that I might end up having a 30 year-old virgin situation if I don’t make any changes. Which begs the question: at what point do I just say f*ck it and go with the flow?
Thank you so much,
Most guys your age chose long ago made to leave virginity behind. But that’s more about how we follow our junk around through life and respond to raging hormones, attraction and opportunity than it is about making smart decisions.
I’d start by honoring and accepting where you are on your journey. So you decided, for whatever reason, not to go to home base with the people who’ve propositioned you. (You don’t actually say whether you’re gay, bi, trans or straight, so my advice will be somewhat generic.) Instead of regretting that, I think you should congratulate yourself on being prudent. For whatever reason, the time or the person wasn’t right.
What is apparent is that, as an adult, you have to carve out some time that is your own. Even if that means hiring a sitter so that you can work on becoming the man you want to be. And, believe it or not, most of us suffer from some degree of social anxiety. It’s the rare soul who can be comfortable in any public situation. The only way to get better at meeting people and being social is to get out there; meet people and be social. Many frogs will be kissed before any prince or princesses materialize. Expect that.
And you won’t get a kiss from every one you’re attracted to, either. But soon enough, you and someone will think it would be fun to take your flirtation to the next level. And as it is for all of us, it’s a bit like a steeple chase: You’ll approach that bar and either you’ll jump the hurdle, or you’ll stop short.
If you find that faltering becomes a pattern — that the problem is not the person or the setting, but your own skittishness — then that’s when you seek out someone professional to find out why intimacy is such a challenge for you when clearly part of you is more than ready to go there. Good luck.
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Last modified: November 22, 2019