Salute the Rainbow Flag: Gay Candidate Shakes Up Brazilian Presidential Race

Gays fix everything. If your house is a mess, we spruce it. If your hair is a mess, we zhuzh it. If your neighborhood is a mess, we improve it.

Brazil is one of the biggest neighborhoods on earth… and boy, does it need improvement.

Ever since the reanimated corpse of Emperor Palpatine (aka Jair Bolsonaro) took office, LGBTQ+ rights have been under attack. Hell, even his inaugural speech painted a death mural in which the queer community was a villain that threatened everyday hetero life.

“We will unite people,” Bolsonaro lied, “value the family, respect religions and our Judeo-Christian tradition, combat gender ideology and rescue our values.”

It’s ironic to hear a worthless POS discuss values so often, but here we are.

Luckily, we’re here, we’re queer and we’re gearing up to save Brazil, one vote at a time. An openly gay candidate named Eduardo Leite is vying to defeat Bolsonaro in a bid to restore sanity and decency to the office.

“I have never spoken about a subject related to my private life,” declares Leite, “but during this moment of low integrity in Brazil, I have nothing to hide, I am gay.”

Hooray, supreme!

To add perspective to his casual coming out speech, Leite elaborates, “I am a governor who is gay, not a gay governor, as former President Obama in the U.S. was a president who was Black, not a Black president. And I am proud of that.”

But Pride is a slippery concept for snakes like Bolsonaro.

In typical d-bag fashion, the current dic…tator accused his opponent of flaunting sexuality like it was a “business card.”

Bolsonaro continued by belching, “I have nothing against his private life, but he cannot impose his lifestyle on others.”

Yes, it would be awful to subject others to your limited point of view, wouldn’t it? How shameful would it be, for example, to bully a reporter for having a “homosexual face” or to embark on a COVID denial campaign while simultaneously profiting from medical kickbacks and general incompetence.

Indeed, Eduardo Leite has some slimy shoes to fill, but we’re confident he can replace them with a stylish pair of Cariumas. Step up to progress!