In the past few days, various “hard news” stories “popped up” about a “naked rancher” (ok, enough with the air quotes). Our interest was immediately piqued and our Google alerts were on the lookout for maximum buns.
Who is this enigmatic farmhand, and how can we get our hands on him? According to legend, his name is Dick Powers – yeah right, and mine’s Throbb N. Johnson. Anywho, Mr. Powers allegedly attended both the Universities of Wyoming and Montana, yet there doesn’t seem to be anyone on Facebook with that particular name/education combo.
Where, oh where art thou, Naked Rancher? Your loins beckon us further into cyberspace to solve the mystery of your wily eroticism.
All we truly know about this hunky agricultural Adonis is that he has a killer physique and he’s not afraid to show it off. But even his Instagram presence yields a flurry of frustrating dead ends. News outlets cite his handle as @TheNakedRancher, which leads immediately to an error page saying that he’s unavailable. But we are!
Luckily, some of Dick (tee-hee) Powers’ tastiest pics have trickled back into our online consciousness, courtesy of a new Instagram feed: @TheNakedRancher2.0
Is the new N.R. just an impostor? Did the original Naked Rancher ever really exist, or was he just a beautiful, wet dream? Why would he turn his chiseled, sweaty back on the thousands of fans who showed him love the first time around? Perhaps the answers linger in the cryptic caption of his inaugural post on the version-2.0 account.
It sounds as though some precious prudes reported our dear, sweet prince for violating their virginal eye-holes. Eat a butt, you lousy trolls. How dare you cancel the mythical Naked Rancher?!? We demand satisfaction, and we will go great lengths to achieve it. Heck, we might even wrestle a chainsaw-wielding, greased up stud with sun-dappled skin and devil-may-care hair, and…
Wait, what were we saying? Who cares – even if the Naked Rancher is just a figment of our shared Internet hallucination, we welcome him with open arms and pruned branches. You give us major wood, N.R., whoever you are.
Last modified: September 14, 2020