You Can’t Spell Equality without M&M

Are you fed up with heteronormative candy? It invades your dentistry and sticks around like it owns the place. Before you know it, your teeth are wearing socks and sandals while listening to Limp Bizkit.

Enough!

Luckily, the good people at Mars, Incorporated are queering up their image, starting with the Green M&M. She just got a makeover in an attempt to give the popular confection brand a rainbow-gay appeal. See, Greenie ditched her hump-me boots for a more sensible pair of sneakers.

Because sneakers = lesbian.

Also, Ms. M’s bio reads like an application essay to Sarah Lawrence. When asked what her best quality is, she replies, “Being a hypewoman for my friends. I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles, so I’m happy to take on the part of supportive friend when they succeed.”

Because supportive friend = double-lesbian.

If you think we’re being overly snarky, congrats! You’re paying attention.

But we do applaud Mars for their grandiose idealism. In a statement to The Hill, the company’s Chief Growth Officer Cathryn Sleight explains, “As one of the world’s most iconic candy brands, who better to commit to a world with more moments of fun by increasing a sense of belonging around the globe than M&M’s?”

What a rousing rhetorical rallying cry. All together now…

What do we want?

A SENSE OF BELONGING!

When do we want it?

“By 2025!”

That’s right: Mars is committed to galvanizing a “sense of belonging for 10 million people around the world” in the next three years. They plan to accomplish their sweet-ass goals by crafting “an updated tone of voice that is more inclusive, welcoming, and unifying, while remaining rooted in our signature jester, wit and humor.”

Hmm, we’re not convinced that placing casual shoes on a cartoon morsel will achieve world peace, but we do applaud M&Ms for their ability to make Tucker Carlson wet his eternally twisted panties.

We also crave more queer content wherever it may arise, so keep the delicious diversity coming, Mars. You’re out of this world! We’re actually not being sarcastic this time. Kisses and nomnomnoms.