You Won’t Believe What Oprah’s Speech Did to the Far Right

Conspiracy cheerleader Alex Jones wasted no time jumping on the possibility that Oprah Winfrey might challenge his Dorian Gray doppelgänger Donald Trump in 2020.

Well, as I’ve often related before, I knew Alex Jones before he blowed up to national infamy. We used to work out at the same gym in Austin. I’d see him every other week in the locker room in his ratty tighty whities, muttering to no one in particular about how every cardio machine was always broken and that’s why he was putting on 10 lbs. a week.

Sometime later, he did pick up a few pointers — courtesy of his inspirations Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity — that bluster trumps logic anytime your finger is on the switch and you can cut an opponent off the air without notice. But when Alex heard Oprah rhapsodize last night at the Golden Globes about empowering women and uplifting the masses, her speech had him teetering toward critical mass. Back up, he seems to be warning all of us: I’m gonna blow.

Today’s latest tirade found Jones assessing Winfrey as “a top globalist” and “a top eugenicist who pushes a One World religion through her private foundation.” And to up the fear factor, Jones informed his audience that Winfrey has “even got a new-age movie (a fantasy called A Wrinkle in Time) coming out to brainwash the children.” It’s just a kiddie movie, and certainly no more pushing an agenda than the Narnia fables, which despite their Christian allegory, did not exactly cause a stampede to churches upon their release.

Jones conclusion: “They’ve readied [Winfrey] to run against Trump in 2020 and to fire that campaign up in about a year.” As if Jones is in the know about the inner workings of Oprah’s Harpo empire. In response, Alex is ready to behead that dragon before it reaches Game of Thrones maturity. But how?

Well, just as Nixon had a secret plan to end the war in Vietnam and Trump says we’ll never know the depths of misdeeds committed by Crooked Hillary, “we know the secrets about Oprah Winfrey that they don’t want you to know,” he says, making vague references to “Associated Press articles, London Guardian [sic] articles, ABC News articles, videos as well, that they pulled eight years ago, seven years ago, when this news came out.”

The root of all this evil is of course, a cabal of shadowy characters known only as they. Presumably this is the same they who shot Kennedy, faked the moon landing and have been hanging out at Area 51 for the last half century using alien technology to control our fates and gave us only Velcro in return.

Stay tuned, because as Jones whips himself into a lather it won’t make much sense, but it will be vastly entertaining. There’s an old Warner Bros. cartoon where Bugs Bunny tricks Elmer Fudd into revealing himself to be a moron for the umpteenth time. Bugs looks at the camera (which is funny already since he’s only a series of drawings) and sizes Elmer up thusly:

“I’ve seen better heads on a glass of root beer.”