‘Girls Will Be Girls’ Gets a Digital Facelift

I mean, who HASN’T yearned for a long-term relationship with the doctor who performed their abortion? If we’ve already lost you, then you must not be a fan of Girls Will Be Girls.

Your loss! The cult classic is getting a makeover and putting the #High in #HighDefinition.

That’s right: Coco, Evie and Varla are back and bitchier than ever. The 2003 flick was fading into the pixilated morass of the early 2000s, losing focus as if the excessive Vaseline on the lens had finally smothered their leggy legacy.

But now, Strand Releasing is wiping the way to a new era in catty comedy. Their restoration promises to unleash attitude galore, allowing a brand new generation to appreciate the All About Eve narrative roasted to withering perfection.

For you newbies out there, the plot of Girls Will Be Girls revolves around a has-been boozer clinging to her glory (hole) days until an ingénue with an eating disorder upends her Hollywood dreams in a nightmarish fashion.

Who will snag the coveted infomercial role to become the spokeswoman for Bizzy Gal frozen dinners? How will the trio cope with fame, fortune, and the lack thereof? How much cheese can that bitch eat? All of these questions and more are about to be devoured as the past becomes prologue.

GWBG broke ground 18 long years ago by winning both the Best Actress honors at the HBO Comedy Festival and Best Actor Honors at Outfest, all of which were shared among the three lead performers. They shattered gender barriers off-screen and busted each other’s chops on-screen, and now their antics will receive the tech treatment audiences have been craving for decades.

For context (we showed amazing restraint spelling “context” without a U), flash back to this clip from Evie’s magnum opus, Asteroid!

The resolution is so grainy, you can barely distinguish the moment when Evie rifles through her nearby notes to remember her lines. Hmm, perhaps the digital distortion does the flailing thespian a favor in this instance.

But the rest of GWBG demands clarity. We insist that their inebriated escapades be broadcast with a capital BROAD. How else can we fully appreciate dialogue exchanges like the following?

“Were you drunk?”

“It was twelve noon! Of course I was drunk.”

The material begs for crispness like Varla hungers for slimy sausages. So, dig in! The restored version of Girls Will Be Girls is available June 1^st, just in time for Pride Month. Enjoy…