Pro-Tip: F*** Florida and here’s why… Spoiler it involves Ron DeSantis

Do you enjoy meth-induced nightmares set in an unrelenting hellscape that smells vaguely like a hobo’s taint?

Come to Florida!

JK, don’t visit the Sunshine State. Seriously, like ever. We can’t give them one more damn dime of our LGBTQ+ dollars now that the Florida Senate’s so-called “Education Committee” has passed the Don’t Say Gay bill.

The draconian legislation is literally designed “to reinforce the fundamental right of parents to make decisions regarding the upbringing and control of their children.”

Yup, your beautiful gay eyes do not deceive you. So, how do conservatives plan to oppress – oops, we mean control their children? Read on…

“A school district may not encourage classroom discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity in primary grade levels or in a manner that is not age-appropriate developmentally appropriate for students.”

So, let’s get this gay: questioning, confused, desperately frightened children can’t approach their teachers or counselors to ask about their god-given sexuality until they reach a certain grade level.

Because… Florida.

Instead, kids must stifle their true nature until a magical moment when they no longer make right-wing-nuts uncomfortable. According to our calendars, that will happen in the year two-thousand-and-never.

Even if humans could flip some sort of invisible switch to express their orientation when it’s “age-appropriate,” what happens before that momentous occasion? The answer is anguish. Kids won’t have any of the educational tools they require to make sense of their swirling emotions, be they trans, queer or straight.

Florida is gearing up to raise an entire generation that will be vulnerable to abuse and unhealthy behavior as a result of growing up in the dark. “Sunshine State” my Aunt Fanny.

When radical pieces of legislation like the Don’t Say Gay bill surface, we look to our leaders to make sense of the hatred that threatens to engulf our community. Exhibit A: Ron DUHsantis, governor. “We’ve seen instances of students being told by different folks in school, ‘Oh, don’t worry. Don’t pick your gender yet. Do all this other stuff.’ They won’t tell the parents about these discussions that are happening… That is entirely inappropriate. Schools need to be teaching kids to read, to write. They need to teach them science, history.”

The utter hypocrisy of this trump-loving, mouth-breathing dullard to espouse science over human sexuality (which is also… checks notes – science) is maddening. Luckily, Joe Biden tweeted from a place of compassion rather than conspiracy theories.

“I want every member of the LGBTQI+ community — especially the kids who will be impacted by this hateful bill — to know that you are loved and accepted just as you are. I have your back, and my Administration will continue to fight for the protections and safety you deserve.”

Thank you, Mr. President. We are proud to declare ourselves Gay Americans. Your move, Florida.