She’s Dreaming of a Straight Christmas

There’s nothing us gays love more than ruining the holidays. We will criticize your dry-ass Thanksgiving turkey and come back for seconds, honey.

Just don’t skimp on the Chardonnay.

And yet, the Hallmark Channel insists on depicting the LGBTQ+ community as human and decent. The nerve! They have several gay-friendly films on their roster, virtually ensuring that we will queer up Christmas royally (again) this year.

But Candace Cameron Bure, which is French for “homophobia with butter,” is fed up with inclusion, thank you very much.

“It basically is a completely different network than when I started because of the change of leadership,” Bure belches to The Wall Street Journal.

So she walked her lily-white ass away from Hallmark to serve as chief creative officer for a new network, and they’re not having any of your gay nonsense.

“I think that Great American Family will keep traditional marriage at the core.”

Yes, the fledgling media outlet is called Great American Family, and they’re bursting out of the gate with edgy fare like My Favorite Christmas Tree, in which two total a-holes pose back to back so they can sufficiently judge their queer neighbors, apparently.

Also, be sure to tune in for A Merry Christmas Wish. This rural rom-com is set on a farm, so it’s probably rife with donkey punches and pig parties.

And you’d be bat-poop crazy to miss Christmas Sweethearts, the touching tale of two frat bros and the chick they’re double-teaming on the regular.

Ms. Bure is gung ho about the orgy of pious programming on her slate.

“I knew that the people behind Great American Family were Christians that love the Lord and wanted to promote faith programming and good family entertainment.”

If heaven only receives channels like GAF, we’ll choose hell. Fire up the Netflix! Oh, and happy holidays to everyone except Candace Cameron Bure!