I sit in class and hear people around me use the term, “gay” — as in “That party was so gay” or “Dude, you’re gay.” They say it as a joke, but as soon as those words leave their lips, my heart drops and my gut tightens. I am out and I think people know, but there is always that little portion of people who do not know and when thye find out it changes their perspective.
Why do they change their perspective? I walk down the halls and every second of those couple of minutes I feel judged. I feel misplaced. I think everyone is staring at me making comments to themselves about how I look or the way I am. I know by the sound of this, you must be thinking that I am not gay or I do not like being gay, but I am proud and I am happy. I love who I am and I love the way I am. I will never be ashamed; but it’s hard being different.
Not fitting in among the people you wish you could, and if you do fit in, it’s only for jokes. I am the gay best friend to people I don’t even know. Why do people change perspectives when I say I’m lesbian? Is it because I look straight? Is it because they don’t believe I’m gay? Is it because they do not like gay people? Why?
I don’t know whether to be proud of the moments and life I choose, or to be ashamed because I am looked down upon when in a group of people. Coming out got me a lot of attention; I got the love, I got the hate, and I got the disapproval. Which is worse? Although everyone is different, it is hard to find someone and be gay in high school. I see a lot of bisexuals or lesbians, but either they’re not interested in me, or they’re already taken.
My eyes fell on this one girl who showed interest in me but wasn’t out. I had a hiccup and was gone for a little while but when I came back to profess my love for her, she was in another girl’s arms and out bout it. Why does this happen to me? Am I gay? Or am I in love with the thought of being different and being looked at from a different perspective? I am gay and I don’t like the way people look at me through. I want them to look at me the same way they would look at anyone else. Just look at me the same as a friend and not as gay. Look at me as if I was a stranger. Don’t look at me like you are judging me. Look at me like you care. Look at me like I have value. Look at me like I am normal. Because I am normal — just in my own way.
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Last modified: January 25, 2019