BREAKING: Mark Robinson Is Submissive to Hairy Men

Don’t you just hate ice cream? The way it cools your palate with its sinful deliciousness until you’re aching for more milky goo to ooze down your throat…

Yeah, that wasn’t convincing. And neither is North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson.

Despite being vehemently homophobic, Robinson recently went on a diatribe about how it takes a dom to tickle his fancy.

“We are called to be led by men,” he cooed seductively. WRAL reports that Robinson went on to SEXplain, “When it was time to face down Goliath, [He] sent David. Not Davita, David.”

Fondling his fantasies even further, Robinson elaborated that the lord “knew what he was doing when he made men big and hairy and ugly.”

You got the ugly part wrong, Mr. Robinson, but we agree about the rest. Men are hairy and scary and oh so very. Rawr!

Yikes, that tongue is terrifying!

Those shorts are frightening, sir. Please remove them immediately.

Holding hands while hairy? Arrest that Adonis!

We jest at Robinson’s expense because he’s a giant, festering a-hole. Last November, he was preaching to an unfortunate congregation at a Winston-Salem church when he belched the following nonsense:

“Everything that God made serves a purpose… Will somebody please explain to me the purpose of homosexuality? What does it create? It creates nothing.”

Um, it creates a stirring in our loins every time we gaze at pics like the following…

Oops, we didn’t mean to scare Robinson away with another big, hairy morsel.

But to answer your question (semi) seriously, Mark: homosexuality has created some of the world’s greatest thinkers, activists and heroes. Alan Turing, Oscar Wilde and Harvey Milk are casting shade from homo heaven and asking, “What the eff has Mark Robinson created?”

We’ll field that one, legends. He has ignited a rage within us, thanksies! Robinson’s idiocy would be negligible if he were a low-level politician or shock-jock televangelist, but he’s the second highest ranking official in North freakin’ Carolina.

Do better, NC. Man, oh hairy man, do better.