Guns, Garments & Gays: Defending a Queer Alpaca Commune

Bigots are ridiculous. If you give them the shirt off your back, they’ll tear it up unless it’s white and straight, gaht dammit!

Lest you think we’re being hyperbolic, consider the Tenacious Unicorn Ranch. This harmonious hamlet shears alpacas and sells their fibers on Etsy to sustain its eco-friendly operation.

Who could object to such majesty? The answer: those aforementioned homophobes.

Last March, two right-wing-nuts attempted to compensate for their pathetic waste of an existence by invading the Tenacious Unicorn compound. They thought they could impress their fellow hatemongers and intimidate the queer denizens of the alpaca ranch with their tiny phallic guns.

The bigots were wrong on all counts, as usual.

“You’ve got to fight back,” declares Bonnie Nelson in an interview with NBC News. “I’m ready to kill people if they are threatening our lives.”

Nelson’s partner and fellow Unicorn founder Penny Logue qualifies, “That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to raise alpacas and see queer people thrive.”

But the attack on their safe space has left the couple shaken and stirred into action.

“There are lasting effects of that kind of trauma, because it’s 24 hours a day,” Logue announces. “We’re done. Queer people are done being stepped on. Whereas nonviolence is a wonderful end goal, that’s not what stage we’re at.”

Instead, the Unicorns are in combat mode. They recently raised $100,000 to install security cameras throughout the facility and outfit their guests with weaponry.

Because… ‘Murica.

We live in such divided times that even the act of being yourself requires defensive munitions.

“We’ve been in an arms race, and we are far behind,” argues Nelson. “The system isn’t going to help us… We have to protect us.”

After all, a unicorn might be mystical and beautiful, but its regality is guarded behind the barrel of a lethal horn.

Now that the ranch has fortified its perimeter, they can focus on expanding their benevolence. The Unicorns are collaborating with a queer indigenous group to help them reclaim their rightful land and live off it as their ancestors intended.

“We created joy,” beams Nelson, “It’s a wonderful feeling.”

And if we, as a society, can learn to embrace said joy without the need for firearms and furor, it will be all the more wonderful. But as for now, these alpacas are packin’.