Hot Nerd Alert!

The novel coronavirus has no heart, it has no brain, and it spreads its filth to anyone within particle-shot. In other words, COVID-19 is a total breeder.

Luckily, gays are smarter, stronger and savvier than any disease, so here’s a heartwarming story about daddies and data.

Hello, nurse! Actually, that’s analyst, economist and data scientist Michael Donnelly, and according to our numbers, he’s way hot. But he’s also way smart! Michael is sexing up the frontlines of COVID research, and his diligence has already contributed invaluable information in the fight to assess and address the delta variant.

It all started, as many great breakthroughs do, in Provincetown.

Michael missed this year’s festivities and his HomoFomo was raging out of control (we’re editorializing, but just go with it). In a group text message to friends, Michael asked, “Did you boys survive the Fourth in P-town?”

The response he got sent chills down his well-sculpted back: Our entire house can’t stop coughing.

Despite the fact that Michael’s social group was fully vaccinated, they were succumbing to COVID in droves.

“That full allotment of people that I know that I would expect over the course of this year to get a breakthrough infection were getting a breakthrough infection in a single week,” Michael tells NPR.

The aberration triggered Michael’s statistical Spidey senses. “That’s what’s always drawing me to numbers and math and forecasting and data science,” he admits. “It gives me some better idea of the things that I understand and the things that I can control and the things that I can’t.”

After delving into dozens of cases and compiling the associated medical patterns, Michael wiped the sweat off his glistening, brooding brow… lucky handkerchief.

He released his findings to the CDC and publicized his concerns via tweet.

By leaping into action, Michael Donnelly became a thinking man’s hero. He leveraged his friend’s transparency into an actionable subset of data that helped local and national researchers triangulate the ways in which the delta variant spreads among the vaxxed population.

Ever the humble hunk, Michael spreads the praise to his gays.

“The norms of the gay community say: Share your medical history, share your risks with other people so that they can be responsible and take care of themselves as well,” he explains. “That came with years of practice within the community, particularly around HIV and AIDS.”

When the teardrops of the past threatened to drown us, we worked together to navigate the rising tide. Only now, from our elevated vantage point, can we see our way out of this current pandemic. Thank you, Captain Michael – awareness ahoy.