Kid Rock & Tucker Carlson: A Queer Love Story

Their eyes met across the anchor desk. Glaring lights rained down on the Fox News studio like droplets in that scene from The Notebook, only much gayer.

This was Tucker’s space, and it bristled with manly appeal. The stench of Axe Body Spray wafted across his smug expression, as if to say No homo, bro – JK, winky face, do me.

He willingly opened his back door to Kid Rock (celebs this luminous can’t enter through the lobby, after all). The gender-fluid crooner flipped his greasy mane and whispered the come-hither word Tucker had been craving in his ear-hole all day.

“Uncancelable.”

Regardless of how moronic the phrase might have sounded in the gay rocker’s tobacco-stained mouth, Tucker was immensely aroused. Moisture gathered in his naughty-zone, lubricating Tucker’s dude-canal until it was positively drenched with possibilities.

How did the two lovers reach this pinnacle of ecstasy? Let’s flashback to the events leading up to the achingly erotic moment when Kid met Tucker.

Last year, Mr. Rock thrilled his fans (both of them!) with a homophobic rant in Tennessee. He licked the Mountain Dew off his lips and smoldered as he promised, “You can post this dick right now.”

Ooh, go on, Kid.

“You f****** faggots with your iPhones out.”

Hmm, maybe don’t go on?

Apparently, Kid Rock thinks that all one billion Apple smartphone users worldwide are openly gay. Touché!

He followed that plucky performance with a toxic tweet (is there any other variety of tweet?) that read as follows:

Stop, stop – you’ve already won our hearts, Kid!

Anywho, some naysayers claimed that Bob Ritchie, aka Kid Rock, was afraid of gays. Pearls clutched! That’s why he sashayed his loose buns over to Tucker Carlson’s program to queer the air.

“I am uncancelable. Because I don’t give a f***.”

The pillow talk continued, “At the end of the day, there’s nobody I’m beholden to — no record companies, no corporate interests, no nothing… You can’t cancel me. I love it when they try.”

Ah, love. What a perfect sentiment to end on. Get a room, you two! Also, f*** all the way off, you bigoted closet-cases. Kisses!