Look, Ma – No Hands! Meet the Guybrator

Hands are the unsung heroes of the sexual realm. They massage, they explore, and they create juuuust enough friction to transport you to HappyLand. But these days, our hands are also busy sanitizing, Zooming, and preparing our annual taxes, so how the heckfire are we supposed to get off?

Enter the guybrator. Literally, enter it! You place your tube steak in the inviting sleeve, crank up the good vibes, and away you go.

The pulsing plate along the floor of the pleasure dome works your frenulum (that’s the sassy intersection of skin on the underside of the penile head where all the magic happens).

The result is a stroke-free, hands-free, look-at-me sensation for the ages. The technical name for the product is Pulse Solo Lux, but we prefer guybrator. That’s the nickname given by the contraption’s parent company, Hot Octopuss.

H.O. is committed to satisfaction and empowerment.

And their latest innovation builds upon a legacy of inclusion and acceptance. Truly, men of all types can enjoy the guybrator. It works members from flaccid to Frankenstein-rigid. There’s no need for erectile pills when the sleeve reacts to your level of firmness.

The designers of Pulse Solo Lux thought of everything, including a wrist strap for the remote control. Think about it: there’s lube everywhere, you’re clicking your way to ecstasy, and the last thing you want is inadvertent slippage.

Hence, the wristicuffs ensure that you can get a grip on your remote at the most opportune moment. It’s like a Wii controller, only spelled more like wheeee!

Indeed, this is a mighty genital accessory, capable of achieving over 4,000 rpm in turbo mode. Oh, and the guybrator is waterproof because…

If you can’t fill in the blank, you’re far tidier than us. So get messy, get wild, and get off with the Pulse Solo Lux. Happy humping.