MetroExpress: Your Happy Hour Headlines for March 9, 2018

Some days, it’s just grand to be alive — and this is one of them. Here’s what you’ll be talking about over drinks today:

Coutroom Crybaby

Noted douchebag and stain on humankind Martin Shkreli broke down in tears at his courtroom sentencing today. U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto sentenced the sleazy self-promoting Pharma-Bro to seven years following his conviction last year of lying to investors in two failed hedge funds.

Shkreli cried as he admitted to what the Associated Press termed “many mistakes” in speaking to the judge; he also took responsibility and says he is the only person to blame and not his business associates, the media or the government. He claimed to hope for an opportunity to make amends and learn from his mistakes, and also apologized to his investors — all of whom have recouped their losses.

While prosecutors were seeking a sentence of 15 years, Shkreli’s counsel countered that his client should serve no more than 18 months and shouldn’t be punished for being, ahem; “outspoken.”

Of course that’s just the tip of the iceberg, because Shkreli earned himself everlasting loathing in the LGBT community and beyond for jacking up the price of a life-saving HIV drug by 5,000 percent, then took to social media to gleefully attack critics of his stunt. Disgusting as it was, his actions weren’t illegal, but now he stands both convicted and sentenced in this completely unrelated securities fraud case.

Among his other antics is the $5,000 bounty he offered last year to anyone who could get a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair.

He remains in custody. Yaas. Prison sex is the stuff of many a fantasy, but pretty boy Shkreli had better hope that if he has a slip-up in the slammer he can afford a lifetime’s supply of his own medication.

Guswatch

Sochi Olympic medalist and all-around gayboy goodwill ambassador Gus Kenworthy has been selected as Grand Marshall of the Miami Beach Gay Pride parade April 10th. Last year, the parade attracted some 135,000 celebrants.

What’s next? Where’s our Gus Wheaties box?

More Gus Kenworthy:
There’s No Medal for What Gus Kenworthy Won for LGBT People Worldwide
Gay Athletes vs. the Trump Administration: Kenworthy Is Winning the Media War