Who’s Cheating? If It’s Not You, It’s Probably Him

A new survey says good for you if you’re gay and haven’t cheated on your partner. But if you’re not cheating, there’s a better than even chance that he is.

Over half of gay men have cheated on their partner, according to a new survey conducted by FS magazine.

In a recent survey conducted by the Health Equality and Rights Organization (HERO), pollsters learned that 52 percent of gay men were willing to admit they’d had sex outside the agreement of their relationships. Not surprisingly, some 17 percent of the respondents also said they’d gotten an STD or STI from someone who was not a primary partner. Worse still, 61 percent of those who admitted their infidelities said they also continued to have outside sexual encounters without informing their significant others.

In a bit of caveat emptor (Latin for “Let the buyer beware”), it’s not as though your intuition didn’t warn you. The survey results also concluded that 58 percent of respondents said a partner had been unfaithful, while 45 percent said they believed their partner never knew what was happening when they were hooking up.

And, although it’s hard to fathom, some men insist on cheating even in an open relationship. Some 40 percent of those surveyed claimed that either he or his partner had broken their agreed-upon rules for extracurricular activity.

And the take-home in all of this dispiriting news? HERO chief exec Ian Howley summarized it like this: “Communication is a fundamental issue in the relationships of gay men.”

As Howley sees it, “What’s clear to us from the results of the survey and what gay men told us about their experiences is that some gay men are making the same mistakes regarding communication, trust and boundaries.”

He believes that at the core of it all, many gay men simply don’t talk to each other about their sexual needs and desires. It’s the elephant in the room that he calls a “huge issue.”

It’s not that gay men are intrinsically less prone to monogamy or honesty, he believes, but something far deeper. “We grow up in a very heterosexual society where ‘cheating’ is enough to end relationships and long standing marriages,” he says, “because that’s what society has told us to do. And it’s not shocking to find that these standards are also put on gay men.”

Howley says he’s met “lots of gay couples who are perfect for each, emotionally, but sexually they didn’t work, or it just fizzled out but rather than work together on this. One or both of them cheats on their partner leading to the eventual breakdown of their relationship.”

The solution? Howley proposes that before a partner acts on his desires to hook up, that he shares his feelings with his partner.

“Now “cheating” may start with flirting with a stranger or sliding into someone’s DMs on Twitter, but it only takes a few conversation exchanges before thoughts are put into action, and then you have an issue that might bring the end to your relationship,” he says.