Anti-Gay ‘Hamilton’ Production Forced to Pay Penalties to Gay Charities

The year is 2028. You crack open a digital history book and the popup hologram starts rapping about the founding fathers. Ooh, looks like you’ve stumbled upon a Hamilton-ization of the 18^th century. Score!

But then, everyone starts to sing off-key and wander around the stage aimlessly and cluelessly. Also, the dialogue turns all religious and anti-gay.

You slam the virtual textbook closed and check its credits.

Made in Texas.

Gosh dammit!

Literally nobody ordered a pious reimagining of Hamilton, but a church in McAllen, TX served one up regardless. The butchered melodies and bonkers staging would be laughable, except an associate pastor enters the scene and issues the wildly misguided guidance that follows:

“Maybe you struggle with alcohol, with drugs – with homosexuality – maybe you struggle with other things in life, your finances, whatever, God can help you tonight. He wants to forgive you for your sins.”

What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks does conversion therapy have to do with the American Revolution?

Lord, we pray that this theatrical abomination gets shut down faster than Lafayette was orphaned (history snaps!).

Well, the god of musicals answered our prayers via Twitter. Lin-Manuel Miranda tweeted, “Grateful to all of you who reached out about this illegal, unauthorized production. Now lawyers do their work.”

Boom! He’s not throwing away his shot.

The church immediately admitted the error of their gays and issued an Insta-pology.

Not good enough, bigots. Pony up!

A spokesperson for Hamilton released a statement to USA Today that reads, “We issued a cease-and-desist letter for the unauthorized use of Hamilton’s intellectual property, demanding the immediate removal of all videos and images from previous productions from the internet.”

And as for the tithe that the church has agreed to pay? The money will go to the South Texas Equality Project, a charity benefitting the LGBTQ+ community of the Rio Grande Valley.

“The Hamilton family stands for tolerance, compassion, inclusivity and certainly LGBTQ+ rights,” concludes the spokesperson.

Ah, we bask in the glow of this poetic justice as we guffaw at the hackneyed Hamilton production that lives on in clips like the one below. Bust out your rotten tomatoes and prepare to hurl.