The Lens

Florida Man Urges Parishioners to Sign Anti-Gay Contract

We’ve all heard the expression Don’t s*** where you eat, but a Jacksonville megachurch just updated it: Don’t poo where you pray.

First Baptist was soooooo buns-hurt by a local ordinance that allowed individuals to use the restroom of their true gender that they just forced their members to sign a homophobic pledge.

“We wanted to be on record,” declares bathroom bully -slash- senior pastor Heath Lambert in a statement to Rolling Stone.

“We want to be able to say, ‘Hey, everybody in our church believes that male is a biological reality; female is a biological reality.’ And that has to do with decisions we make about who uses the bathrooms, and who gets fired, and who can serve as a pastor.”

Whoa, back up there, padre. You’re totes jazzed to dictate who can be fired? How goddamn Christian of you.

So, what does this cult leader – oops, we mean pastor (no we don’t) write in his draconian decree? Let’s quote this kook!

Our church requires all members to agree with the following statement expressing a view of biblical sexuality that is basic to the Christian Scriptures. Requiring agreement with this statement for all members is an exercise in faithfulness to Jesus Christ whom we trust and serve. It is an exercise in clarity so that our members might understand our most fundamental commitments in a sexually confused world. It is also an exercise in love toward a lost world that desperately needs to know God’s standard for human sexuality.

 Your signature and updated contact information on this document is required by March 19, 2023, and will ensure your membership at First Baptist Church continues without any interruption.

Just for good measure, the pledge continues to spiral down the hellish vortex of insanity.

As a member of First Baptist Church, I believe that God creates people in his image as either male or female, and that this creation is a fixed matter of human biology, not individual choice. I believe marriage is instituted by God, not government, is between one man and one woman, and is the only context for sexual desire and expression.

Then there’s a handy box to check that reads, “I agree with and will uphold the biblical truth contained in the First Baptist Statement on Biblical Sexuality.”

Hello, spank bank!

For more bat-crap cray-cray, check out Lambert’s uber-hetero ramblings in the following video. Warning: he’s nuttier than Mr. Goodbar. Enjoy!


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Kevin Perry

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