How To Be a Gay Daddy 101 – Part 2: Finding the Right (Adult) Boy for You

The Daddy/Boy dynamic may seem relatively new in current gay culture, but intergenerational relationships are a tale as old as time — both heterosexual and homosexual.

The first actual global superstar, as someone who achieved fame far beyond the borders of his home country, was Alexander the Great. Many historians believe that although the Greek conqueror married a Persian princess named Roxana, his strongest bond and love of his life was a younger man he’d known and trusted for years named Hephaestion.

Alexander never lost a battle in his lifetime — except one, according to philosophers who followed his career, who claimed the military strategist was defeated “by Hephaestion’s thighs.”

It’s Not What You Think

Many in and outside the gay community mistakenly assume that Daddy/Boy attraction is somehow related to pedophilia. Not remotely true. Adult Boys are not children. Some men in their 20s identify as Daddies, just as some men continue to identify as Boys as they continue to age. But, like Garth Brooks or the Beatles taking on new identities to see what a change of perspective might bring to their game, so it is with Daddies and adult Boys.

What makes a Boy is between his ears, not the amount of scruff on his chin. Some guys have always been attracted to older men and fantasized – not about the boys next door, but about their fathers. Most have some understanding that such attractions are well apart from the mainstream — but after all, so is being attracted to people of the same sex. As one friend groused to me at the gym recently, “I wish all these daddies would quit coloring their hair. I’m trying to perv out here!” They may be younger, but they’re not necessarily innocent.

The Right Stuff

Generally an adult Boy seeks the maturity, experience and guidance of someone older. He’s frequently someone who’s frustrated with what he perceives as the immaturity in his peer group and is looking to spend time with a man he considers more worldly.

Some Boys seek a Daddy just for private time. They’d just as soon not face the raised eyebrows of friends that can occur when you show up at a bar with someone more than a decade older than everyone else in the group. When you’re first introduced, you might notice conversation slow to a crawl until his friends are able to see you as the person beyond the archetype. And don’t be surprised if your Boy later reports, “My friends want me to call them the minute you loan me your credit card.” Some believe there’s only one reason to attach to an older man: for the money he might have. Of course, that means it’s the only reason they’d do it. However, though there are Boys seeking someone “generous,” it’s entirely appropriate to make it clear that you are a Daddy but not a Sugar Daddy.

Who Gets What

One of the most amusing aspects of being in an intergenerational relationship is when people do look askance. I’ve had adult Boys ride the subway on my lap — and while straight guys would think nothing of letting their girlfriends do the same, there’s clearly an unspoken social contract that’s been bent (if not broken) in doing so. Taboo behavior outside of the safety of a gay bar can be risky, and being sure you’re safe should supersede any notions of pushing the envelope of straight societal norms. However, there’s no question that both Daddies and Boys enjoy the thrill of pushing buttons and making both gays and straights swivel their heads when you walk past them as a couple.

Beyond that, what’s right is what the two of you agree is right for you both. Caution is recommended to protect both your heart and your health. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. (See: “You don’t want to date me, My friends call me a gorgeous mess.” That’s always true.) But if you’re into what they are, and they’re into what you are, proceed with small agreements that trust can be built upon. That’s at the heart of building any decent bond — straight, gay, kinky or conventional.

Adult Boys are usually looking for someone who fits that description anyway: a person who deserves trust and is worthy of being admired. Daddies (at least the ones who identify as such in public) are looking to provide mentorship while also finding connection with what’s current. Both roles are special: one wants to share his youth (or youthful outlook), another wants to provide the kind of emotional stability that’s often hard to find in the maëlstrom of gay culture.

In our next installment of “How to Be a Gay Daddy,” we’ll look at ways your Daddy/Boy relationship can evolve and grow.

Missed something? Read part one in our series on “How to Be a Gay Daddy,” or read on to part three, “Gay Daddy 101 – Part 3: What Does a Daddy Do With a Boy?”