Being a gay Daddy has its perks, but also presents a set of challenges that make it perfect for some and undoable for others. So let’s talk about the assumptions, the realties and whether gay Daddydom — or seeking out a gay Daddy — is right for you.
The Age of the Daddy
Are you over 35? You’re on the cusp of what younger men consider Daddy material. But being a Daddy involves a lot more than being able to grow whiskers and sport fuzzy pecs. There are gay Daddies in their 20s ranging up in age as far as you can imagine. Likewise, there are adult boys ranging from 18 to well into their 60s and beyond. It turns out that the Daddy/boy dynamic attracts men independent of their ages. They’re seeking a bond more than a date on a birth certificate.
Handling the Idea of Being Daddy
You have questions to ask yourself: Does the notion of being called Daddy or Papa or Papi make your skin crawl? Many guys shudder at the notion because they equate the nomenclature with being told they’re nearing their “sell by” date. For me, being a furry guy who could grow a full beard at 14, it was a Godsend. I got no play in my 20s because I was too hairy to be one of the Abercrombie & Fitch or Obsession ad models. It wasn’t until I hit both 35 and the gym that I got any notice at all in the bars — and not usually until my shirt came off on the dance floor. But let’s say you’ve accepted that – whether through age or appearance, you have achieved the level of maturity at which you’re seldom if ever carded at an R-rated movie. Your Daddy look may involve a receding hairline, the appearance of laugh lines or traces of gray at the temples. Wear any or all of them with pride: the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more attractive you are to someone who’s seeking maturity.
Answering the Impertinent Question
You will inevitably find yourself, as you’re looking for a Daddy-seeker, faced with a profile or a question about whether you’re “generous.” It’s best to make it clear that you’re either a Sugar Daddy or more of the type who’s offering an emotional, romantic or a sexual bond. Certainly there are many adult boys who seek a Daddy as a transactional affair, whether inside or outside bedroom. If that’s not you, say so up front.Find LGBTQ-Friendly Resources
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Some Daddies only step into that role behind closed doors. Some wear it out and proud at the local watering holes. A few will let their connection with a younger partner shine in public. For me, it took me more than a few laps around the sun to understand my attraction to and the interest I get from younger guys.
Embracing your inner Daddy also means that more often than not, you’ll be getting a fair number of questions from your peers. “How can you find someone so young attractive?” they’ll ask. “They don’t know who was in the Beatles from who’s in the Rolling Stones, and you’re having to listen to their music, too — which is crap.” But then there are the up sides.
The Qualities of Youth
Truth be told, I’m simply more attracted to qualities typically associated with youth. Younger guys are more likely (in my experience) to see the possibilities surrounding them; they’re into exploring new places, new ideas and open to new stimuli — whether books, restaurants, podcasts, all-night dance parties, film festivals, or sudden impulses to hop into a car and see where it takes you for the weekend. A lot of guys my age (and I don’t mean all) want to be in bed after midnight. Don’t misunderstand: There are older men with a sense of adventure, to be sure. But there aren’t many of them looking to be nurtured or guided in the ways I seek — and those who are often confuse being a boy with being a sub or a slave, which are very different things.
Daddies Are Special, Too
There’s a premium placed on youth in our culture, and young men can be beautiful. But I didn’t really start to enjoy being a Daddy until I came to understand that the older half of the equation is as rare and special as the younger, and that we are deserving of the hero worship they want to invest. A Daddy can help put life into context for someone feeling overwhelmed by the randomness of the world — especially in gay culture. A mature man has a grasp of history and life experience; he can provide compassion and cautionary tales; he’s more apt to be comfortable communicating about sex and have strategies about how to keep it fresh and safe at the same time.
Conversely, younger men know the internet in a way I never will. They’re familiar with suddenly and constantly adapting to where they seek information and the technology required to access it. They’ll stay up until sunrise and beyond if given a reason — even if that reason doesn’t appear until after 3am. They’re often curious, and while they won’t always agree with your conclusions, they know you’ve seen more of the world, even if your understanding largely comes from driving around town with the news on for decades. An adult boy knows what’s trending now and can show you how to keep up with the same. We in return can share with them the great films from our lifetimes (and earlier). Before long, you’re both sharing what you know that the other doesn’t — and that can be the beginning of a fascinating journey.
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Also, be sure to check out our advice column Ask Daddy
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Last modified: November 18, 2019