Well Hung: Get Your Hands on These Queer Holiday Ornaments

A Christmas tree is a lot like your genitalia. You trim it lovingly, you water it daily and you’re so proud when it stands erect.

To torture the metaphor even further, you also want to decorate your wood to show it off to loved ones and well-wishers during the holiday season. That’s why we have rounded up a few of our fave XXXmas ornaments to help you festivize your fir.

Our friends at the Human Rights Campaign have summed up the spirit of togetherness with one singe word: EVERYONE. Above this simple yet profound inscription, a rainbow proscenium arcs an umbrella of protectiveness. We all fall under the warming glow of humanity’s brilliant spectrum, so it’s a fitting reminder of what the holidays truly signify.

For a stylish twist (literally) on the Pride flag, wave to the fluttering fierceness of MoMA Design. Their kinetic glass ornament ripples with dynamism, drawing our eye to its luminous surface and creating the illusion of perpetual motion. You’ll feel like you’re caught in the throes of a sweltering June parade, even during the depths of winter.

Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!

MoMA Design is also deconstructing the entire concept of tree ornaments. Rather than focusing solely on collectibles that hang from your branches, they are pioneering standalone trees to festoon the rest of your home. Flecked with rainbow realness, this glass menagerie evokes serenity in an otherwise hectic holiday season.

Time for a disco intermission! Bloomingdale’s is having a ball with their latest LGBTQ+ ornament, spinning whimsy and wonder for your guests to admire.

On the topic of admiration and adulation, get ready to sex up your season! From salty mermen to hairy daddies to a surfing, shirtless Santa, Diamonds of the Sea has you (scantily) covered. Their line of lascivious lotharios are dangling suggestively from our fertile imaginations, adding a hearty “ho” to your ho-ho-holidays.

If ogling the swarthy ornaments above is giving you a pang of gay guilt, you can always repent by tempering your tree with a splash of reverence. Silvery Brand offers a Jesus figurine brandishing a customized Pride flag with your name on it.

After all, we gays have always written our own destiny. No matter how much society attempts to marginalize us, we forge a unique brand of homo happiness, we find our joy, and we surround ourselves with chosen friends, family and community.

The designers at OrnamentShop.com embrace our queer resilience and individuality by creating customizable keepsakes. You and your life partner are ready for your spotlight atop the tree of inclusion, so shine brightly and happy holidays!

Photo: Instagram @coastalgiftsinc