Paul Hagen asks you to a Gay Video Game Convention Prom with him in the love-soaked latest episode of Looking.
Previously on Looking… Dom and Patrick accompanied Nurse Doris on a road trip to her Dad’s funeral, and they all got in a car accident while screaming about being gay in a graveyard. This brush with death made Doris commit her inheritance to Dom’s Chicken Window but also made her realize how much she needed her new boyfriend Malik. Meanwhile, it may have also helped motivate Patrick to say, “Yes!” when Hot British Kevin showed up at his doorstep having dumped his Actual Boyfriend Jon in the hopes making Patrick his New Actual Boyfriend. Oh, and there was no Agustin at all. It was a great episode, you guys.
Bed of Being Actual Boyfriends: Seagulls squawk above the Golden Gate Bridge as the camera pans sensually up Patrick’s nude body, lovingly pressed against the chest of Hot British Kevin. Patrick’s eyelids flutter open, and he breathes deeply, smiling at his conquest over HBK’s ex. HBK wakes with a smile to announce that Patrick’s breath is terrible. Naturally Patrick blows a whole lot more in his face as he whispers, “Go back to sleep.” Then he pulls on a pair of red briefs and pads out to the kitchen, where he gathers the fixings for cereal with specially-procured Goji berries and coffee for two. But when he tries to carry them all back into the bedroom, he drops it all to the floor. HBK awakes, asking if there’s been an earthquake or if Patrick was trying to make him breakfast in bed. Patrick freaks out and tries to clean, but HBK beckons him back to bed. He can tell Patrick is really excited “about tomorrow.” Patrick is! He’s hoping to see a “fantasy bisexual goth princess” at “Gaymer X.” It would be so like this show to invent a gay video game convention, but they didn’t need to because it’s actually a thing (gaymerx.com). HBK asks if said princess has “Otters” battling “Banjee Boys” – presumably two of the characters from their gay stereotype battle app – which Patrick says will be “the hit of conference.” HBK is worried because he’s not sure the app is quite ready, and he hates putting something out into the world that’s not perfect. (Except his romantic relationships, am I right?) Patrick is not waiting another year for this, he insists. I guess when it comes to all things Hot British Kevin, Patrick is tired of waiting.
Kitchen of Agustin Being Surpisingly Hot: Agustin saunters into the kitchen, where Hot British Kevin is munching on a presumably fresh bowl of ceral. And I know I’ve said a lot of hateful things about Agustin but with his furry chest out and prominent bulge on display in teeny tiny briefs, he is looking damn good. HBK asks if Agustin ever wears pants. Agustin asks how long HBK will be staying. HBK asks if Agustin is tired of him; Agustin is THIS close to calling immigration. Patrick pops into the kitchen wearing HBK’s adorable french bulldog sweater. Agustin observes that Patrick and HBK have been together all of two weeks and they are already sharing clothing. Patrick says it’s cute and he hasn’t done laundry (even though he is actually just desperate to use it to announce to the world that HBK is his property now). Patrick says if it looks stupid, he’ll change. Agustin observes that “This is the moment when Daddy is about to hit Mommy at the dinner table,” and excuses himself. Patrick says the whole point of having a boyfriend the same size as you is doubling your wardrobe. (I wouldn’t call that the WHOLE point, but I have enjoyed it.) HBK notes that he wears that sweater to work a lot, and they had agreed to a plan in which they left a “courtesy gap” after the breakup with Former Boyfriend Jon before announcing Patrick as his new actual boyfriend. HBK points out that even the great Brad Pitt left a courtesy gap after he left Jennifer Aniston before he let the world know he was boning Angelina Jolie. Patrick says he was team Jen. (Of COURSE he was.) HBK is trying to be sensitive. But Patrick wants to take baby steps toward coming out; they can’t remain cloistered in his room like gay nuns. Eating pizza and having sex doesn’t feel like moving forward. (Presumably, it just feels like a whole lot of back and forth.!)
Boardroom of Impending Sexual Harrassment Lawsuits:HBK and Kevin are flanking a television on which the demo of a video game is running. HBK says they’re finding they lose users at this point in the game. “Because the gameplay falters here,” Patrick finishes his sentence. Co-worker Owen says they’ve gotta stop with all the sentence finishing. Patrick calls it teamwork. Co-worker Owen thinks it’s weird that HBK and Patrick are buying the same sweaters, too. Patrick announces that he DIDN’T buy the sweater – like a suffragette insisting on her right to vote! HBK admits it’s his sweater. Patrick promised not to spill on it like he spilled their breakfast. Co-worker Owen wonders why HBK was at Patrick’s for breakfast. Patrick says he stayed over. Co-worker Owen realizes that Patrick and HBK are “a thing” now. Meredith, their co-worker who appears to be a lesbian but is married to a man, asks if Jon is out of the picture because he had apparently promised to work on her sciatica. Co-Worker Owen asks why Patrick never told him about his love of HBK. HBK hopes they can move on. Un-Lesbian Meredith hopes this won’t impact their company culture of fairness because she’s worried about being discriminated against AS A HETEROSEXUAL. Shut up, Un-Lesbian Meredith!
Roof of Debriefing:Patrick and HBK are sharing a sandwich as Patrick worries whether he actually hurt Co-Worker Owen’s feelings. HBK comments that Meredith marched straight to HR after the meeting. (Pardon my eye roll.) Patrick wonders if they could actually be fired for being together. Patrick is glad the gay genie is out of the gay bottle so everyone can get used to it. HBK wonders if Patrick’s sister will ever get used to it. (As you’ll recall from last season, Patrick’s sister, Obnoxious Blonde Megan, recently married Former Boyfriend Jon’s best straight friend.) She apparently thinks they’ve destroyed the most perfect gay relationship ever. Nevertheless, Patrick is glad their relationship is out in the open and, therefore, something he can be proud of. HBK says he’s 100% proud. Patrick says HBK oughtta be proud because Patrick sees himself as “a catch.” (Pardon my vomit.)
Backstage at the Chicken Window: Rather than wait for Doris’ inheritance to come through, Dom has gone ahead and quit his job, maxed out his credit cards and is making a go of the Chicken Window. He is explaining this situation to Doris and Malik while holding an open bottle of celebratory Champagne. Dom thinks he’ll probably end up homeless but ihe’s so excited to finally have his own place. Dom says, “Cheers, Queers!” (to two heterosexuals, it’s worth noting) and they knock back their bubbly only to discover that the refrigerator has not so much done the job of keeping it cold. Doris threatens a one-star Yelp review. Dom asks if Doris will help him put in the water filtration system tomorrow, but Doris will be attending Malik’s niece’s birthday in Velejo tomorrow. Doris promises to come over and help after the party pretty casually – the way you might say, “Sure, I’ll help you move,” or “I don’t have a drinking problem.”
Convention Hall of Gay Geekery:Outside there’s a huge sign with “GAYMER X” emblazoned on it – in rainbow, natch – and inside, Patrick and Hot British Kevin appear to be going camping in matching outfits. While signing into the conference, Patrick nervously asks if HBK remembered to put the app on their iPads. HBK is all, “Did I?” for a moment but he’s just teasing. They make their way to “table number ten next to some anime thing.” Patrick is intimidated by the quality of other costumes and booths They drop their gear and Patrick notices they’re across from a booth with “porn guys.” Seems like a fortuitous location to me. Patrick realizes they forgot some important table clips and decides to ask for some at the next booth – as you do.
The Glorified Booth: Models in teeny tiny underwear and a gentleman in a wheelchair (whom we’ll be calling Differently-Abled Bitch) appear to be manning the booth for “Glorified,” an app that helps you find the nearest glory hole, which sounds like a great way to get more people involved with oral STDs. Patrick confesses that he’s forgotten his table clips, and Differently-Abled Bitch is advises him that he’d be better off if he was prepared. Thanks, DAB. DAB asks one of the models (“Ryder”) to hand him the clips. Patrick asks about “Glorified” which he assumes is a spy game because of all the maps and pictures of eyes looking through holes at the boot. DAB explains how it’s actually a “social networking for the orally adventurous.” Patrick thought the whole point of glory holes was not to know who’s on the other side of the hole. “No, it’s get your d**k sucked or suck a d**k,” observes Differently-Abled Bitch. DAB asks if “One Up Him” (the name of Patrick and HBK’s app – which Patrick has PRINTED on his zip-up) is a Reese Witherspoon comedy. Patrick explains the whole different-kinds-of-gays battling aspect. “So your game is about stereotypes,” observes DAB. “It’s about SUBVERTING stereotypes,” insists Patrick. DAB will be interested to see what Patrick and his “brother” think subverting means. Patrick corrects him – Patrick and HBK are boyfriends. DAB says they’re identical; so why not just jerk-off in the mirror? (You guys, I named him DAB for a reason.)
The Most Down-and-Dirty Sex Scene: Agustin is bouncing up and down on top of Bear Eddie. They’re both naked and sweating and panting. Bear Eddie says he’s close. Agustin wants to see Bear Eddie orgasm; so they sit up – still kissing. Bear Eddie whips off his condom and shoots – directly into Agustin’s eye. Agustin laughs and keeps touching his eye. He’s so distracted he can’t climax. In the bathroom, he keeps washing his eye obsessively – clearly freaking out about the unexpected contact with Bear Eddie’s sex fluids. Bear Eddie knocks on the door and asks if he’s okay. Agustin says he is, but he stares into the mirror, upset. Outside the bathroom door, Bear Eddie sighs, naked. His penis looks as large as Agustin had previously asserted. Good for him.
Kitchen of Perpetual Suffering: Backstage at the Chicken Window, Dom is performing a task with tools as Agustin freaks out. Agustin is not sure why he’s freaked out because you can’t get HIV from someone shooting in your eye (apparently), and even if you could, Bear Eddie has his HIV under control; so the virus is at undetectable levels and therefore very unlikely to infect him. Dom wonders how he became the go-to friend for HIV-related freak outs. “Because you’re old,” Agustin says. “And wise.” Dom asks Agustin to hand him a tool and he gets all snitty about what it’s called. Dom accuses Agustin of not being equipped to date someone who’s HIV positive and he should go on PreP and get over it. “Looks like SOMEONE got their library card,” says Agustin. (Get it? Because Dom READ him.) Dom is upset that Agustin is not helping. Agustin says he’s “sh***y with tools” and Dom should’ve called Doris. Dom moans that she’s in Velejo with Malik. Agustin foresees that Dom will need a new hag and suggests he post an ad on Craigslist. “Castro Clone seeks Funny Lady,” says Dom. Has “clone” really caught on this much or is Looking trying to make “fetch” happen?
Convention Floor of Being Pushy: A Bespectacled Gentleman is trying to escape Patrick, who is describing “One Up Him” at a mile a minute. It all sounds “very 2009” to the Bespectacled Gentleman. Patrick begs Bespectabled Gentleman to look at it on his iPad, where the characters are ranked by fierceness. He suggests choosing “The Furry” – which is apparently very high in fierceness. This game sounds terrible. Bespectled Gentleman actually deigns to touch the screen but the app crashes. “We’re still debugging it,” whines Patrick as Bespectacled Gentleman wanders off.
The “One Up Him” Booth: Richie and Queer Brady Olsen are chatting with Hot British Kevin about the app. Patrick looks shocked by their appearance and asks what they’re doing there. Naturally, Queer Brady Olsen is covering Gaymer X journalistically. Queer Brady Olsen is clearly feeling a little full of himself, and advises Patrick that this might be a “cover story.” Patrick explains that they’ve created an app together and since this conference only happens once a year, they felt it was important to “get it here and get it out.” Jesus, Patrick, why don’t you just take out an ad in the paper that says, “HOT BRITISH KEVIN AND I ARE REALLY DATING NOW!!!” HBK asks if they’re sticking around for the “gay prom” party later and if they’d like to get a bite to eat after, “like a double date.” Richie is surprised to hear Patrick and HBK are dating. HBK says Patrick dumped him but took him back. Richie stares lasers of judgment at the whole idea of them dating. Queer Brady Olsen does that annoying journalist thing where he describes the situation right in front of them and declares it to be “the story.” (Pardon my yawn.) Queer Brady Olsen also thinks the idea of the game is hilarious, and calls Patrick “Homewrecker Gay” which HBK thinks is a great suggestion for the app and makes Patrick want to commit murder. Queer Brady Olsen rushes off to photograph some cosplay. HBK mentions that Patrick is a little bit of a hypocrite for not having told Richie they were dating – considering how anxious Patrick seems to be to tell everyone else in the world. Patrick stammers until HBK says he is cute when he is wrong and, adorably, bends out Patrick’s ears to match his own and says they could be brothers. Nothing sexier than two fellas saying, “We could be brothers,” and then going for a big romantic smooch. Differently-Abled Bitch hoots, “Hey, Twincest, get a room.” Shut up, DAB.
Hotel Room of Surprise: Apparently without consulting Hot British Kevin, Patrick has acquired them a hotel room for the evening, which he has already stocked with their suits for the prom and fresh flowers. “Are you trying to redo some bad high school prom experience?” asks HBK. Patrick gets down on one knee, corsage in hand, and asks HBK to Gay Gaymer X Prom. How…. romantic?
The Shelter of Handling the Truth: Bear Eddie is on the street outside the shelter. Agustin exits the building and asks if this is Bear Eddie’s hiding spot. Bear Eddie says it’s his work-too-much-and-need-a-break spot. Clever. Agustin puts on a jacket and remarks how the weather in San Francisco can swiftly go from burning to freezing. From my limited experience of San Francisco, I would tentatively agree with this sentiment. Bear Eddie mentions how Agustin disappeared after their sexual mishap earlier. Agustin tries to explain that Dom needed help, but Bear Eddie says he “can’t do this.” He’s dated too many guys who were cool and well-intentioned and well-informed but seriously did not have it in them to date someone living with HIV. Agustin says that’s not what’s going on. Bear Eddie says Agustin has no idea how hard it is to be a “big poz queer” in San Francisco, where everyone talks about how inclusive they are — but they’re still the same close-minded gays you see prancing down Santa Monica Boulevard. Agustin admits he got weird and that it’s something he’s got to work on. Bear Eddie is all, “Yeah,” which sets Agustin off. He WILL work on it, he says, because he’s super into Bear Eddie. And then he says that it’s time for them to go have a shirtless dance session at “Kylie Night.” Well, he had to say something ridiculous evetually; he’s Agustin.
Gaymer X Prom: Patrick and Hot British Kevin come bounding into the “prom,” which is scattered with same-sex couples dancing cheek-to-cheek and photographers snapping pictures. Patrick calls it a thousand times better than high school but, honestly, it looks a little bit like somebody’s birthday at the asylum. Patrick asks HBK to dance; HBK says no, but they are soon deep in the crowd, dancing, kissing and being silly. Patrick sees somebody dancing aggressively with Differently-Abled Bitch. “Everybody LOVES him,” Patrick says, gritting his teeth in frustration. They stop to take a couple’s photograph under a sign that reads HAPPily Ever After (because of APPs, get it?). They end up dancing romantically, their faces pressed together. Patrick opens his eyes to see Richie eyeing them with judgment from the bar. Patrick buries his head in HBK’s shoulder. It’s strange to notice that Patrick is actually taller than HBK.
Outside the Chicken Window: Dom is looking forlorn as a car alarm blares in the distance. He calls Doris and gets her voicemail. He asks how the party went; he hopes she is having fun. He asks her to say hi to Malik and will assume she’s not coming back. He seems peeved. As ever, the Chicken Window still looks like an utter piece of crap.
Diner of Being a Drunk Mess: At a diner that’s been tarted up to look super 1950’s with things like records on the wall, Queer Brady Olsen is being a HOT drunk mess. He keeps swaying and falling all over Richie as Patrick and Hot British Kevin sit across from them smirking knowingly – as one does at the performatively intoxicated. Richie saves QBO from doing a faceplant into his food. QBO wants to know why people keep asking if he’s okay. Patrick promises QBO that he’ll feel better if he eats his eggs. “You’ll feel better if you eat YOUR eggs, Pat Smith,” replies QBO. Patrick has pancakes, which QBO warns will make him fat; then QBO asks HBK to take him to the bathroom to throw up because he talks “like Mary Poppins.” HBK gallantly complies. Richie excuses QBO for being a lightweight. Patrick calls him a good guy. Really? Richie is surprised to see Patrick and Kevin together. Patrick relates the tale of the funeral and the car accident and HBK on his doorstep. Patrick brings up the time Richie said he “wasn’t ready” on his doorstep and insists that this time he WAS ready. QBO and HBK come stumbling back (twas a false puke alarm, apparently), and QBO declares that he’s taking back everything nasty Richie and he have secretly been saying about Patrick and HBK. Such as: Patrick is a thirteen-year-old girl who is afraid of her own vagina. And: the two of them together are what’s wrong with the gay community. Richie says QBO doesn’t know what he’s saying; Patrick observes that his points of reference are pretty specific for that to be the case. QBO asks to finish Patrick’s pancakes and once again becomes the recipient of Patrick’s leftovers.
A Hopefully Private Balcony:Patrick and HBK are snuggling and staring out at the water. HBK is glad he didn’t go back to Seattle, land of rain and granola. Patrick reminisces about the first time he saw the Bay back in college. Even then, he knew he wanted to stay as long as he could hold on. HBK, who is shivering in his briefs, declares that it’s time to go back inside. I briefly wonder if that’s the balcony to their room or a public balcony that they’re just hanging out on – in their underwear.
Hotel Room of Happily Ever After: Hot British Kevin cannot believe how many glory holes are in the area, according to the “Glorified” app. Patrick excitedly announces that their own app has received its first review. Then he sadly reports that it has been rated a one-star attempt to divide the gay community. HBK says, “F**k that bitchy queen” because he’s proud of what they achieved. Patrick goes, “I love you!” in that way you do when someone has said the exact thing that your bruised soul needs to hear. Then he realizes the broader implications of the statement and stammers in horror. “You’re freaking out a little bit,” HBK observes, adorably. The thing is: Patrick has NEVER said that to anyone before. Not even to his mother. They weren’t THAT kind of family. (We really need a flashback to the hellbeast that Patrick’s mother purportedly was before she discovered tranquilizers and edible marijuana.) On second thought, Patrick really does love HBK. HBK waits just long enough before saying, “I love you, too.” They dive under the covers and into happily ever after. Or at least until next week.
So, Lookers: Does the fact that Doris never showed up to help Dom mean that they’re drifting apart? Should Bear Eddie cut Agustin some slack for freaking out about getting shot in the eye? Who’s a sloppier drunk: Patrick or Queer Brady Olsen? How long do you foresee Patrick and Hot British Kevin’s honeymoon period lasting? And do you think the “One Up Him” app sounds as craptacular as I do? Let me know with a comment below.
And don’t forget! Each week we draw one commenter’s name at random and send them Season 1 on DVD.
Last modified: March 16, 2018