This Holiday Makeover Gives Us Major Wood

Not to be a total Grinch, but most Christmas movies are way lame. The predictable plots, the treacly sentiment, the incessant Candace Cameron. Bah humbug, we say!

But A Christmas Story is the rare exception. It is unabashedly materialistic, effectively nostalgic, and just a little bit naughty. Remember that sexy, fishnet-clad leg lamp that the father covets lasciviously? Say it with us now: frah-JEE-lay! #fragile

Well now, it’s time to kick those cherished memories to the curb with a gay upgrade, courtesy of Paul Jackman. He is a hunky carpenter who loves A Christmas Story almost as much as we do, so Paul dedicated a considerable amount of creativity and LEGwork to recreating a manly version of the infamously sexy lamp.

As we all know, sensuality requires girth. Pause for quiet reflection. To give his masculine lamp the necessary heft, Paul aligned several slabs of high quality wood, thus replicating the musculature of a lumberjack’s appendages. He modeled the appliance after his own limbs, which is great news for those who love adorable bears.

Paul often refers to himself as “millennial Jesus” due to his seamless combination of woodworking skills, acceptance, and queer consciousness. One of our fave constructions in Paul’s past is a Pride board, complete with a rainbow cross-section of colors.

But back to the project at hand… or shall we say “leg.” After strapping a dom-daddy boot to the well-shaved contours of his lamp’s manly calf muscle, Paul oiled its complexion lovingly with the necessary lubrication to bring his bright idea to lusty life.

Using rugged metallic accessories, Paul created the skeleton of his lampshade, which he then stitched together with durable leather before welding the loose ends shut. There is not one single component of the previous sentence that fails to arouse us.

Summoning his inner Rocky Horror, Paul sprinkled the concoction with fringe and put the finishing touches on his gender-bending beacon to a Christmas classic. You light up our lives, Paul Jackman!

Photo: YouTube @Jackman Works